Stargazer
by Karen D. Morton
Copyright 1989 by Karen D. Morton. All rights reserved.

Chapter 15

     Facing Mother was the most frightening thing I had ever
done.  All my life I had meekly accepted her criticisms.  If I had
learned nothing else from my travels, I now realized that no one
should have that much power over another's self worth.  At this
meeting I would tell her all the things I should have said long ago. 
If need be, that would include a favorite phrase of Judith's.  I prayed
it would not come to that.  After all, I did love her, and I wanted to
know whether or not she loved me in spite of my "faults."
     In John's opinion, I had severed my ties with Mother when I
left.  Why bother now?  He rewarded Judith's efforts at explaining
with puzzled stares.
     "Look," she finally said.  "If you care as much as you claim
to, at least come with us.  After all, you took her away from here."
     "I never intended to let you go alone," he replied.
     "Good."  Judith walked into the entrance hall.  She handled
the long skirt of her navy walking suit with surprising grace.  "Are
we there yet, Oppenheimer?"
     "You have only seven hours," it said.  "This is the only slot
open before 1900.  The date is April 22, 1896."
     John's grey suit looked as wonderful on him as it had the first
time we met.  When he offered his arm, I took it.  Refusing his other
arm, Judith walked behind us into the passenger depot on Gay
Street.  Steam and smoke from trains filled the station.  Coughing,
she fanned her face. She met more assaults to her senses when we
boarded the street car, for the factory shifts had just changed.  She
stared at piles of manure and puddles of urine on the cobblestone
street.  Thankfully, she made no comments.
     The Williams girls stood at the street car stop near Sixth and
Clinch.  The oldest had blossomed into a young woman.  The
youngest pointed at us while they giggled. With her thickened waist
and slender frame, Judith seemed an oddity. One of the girls
whispered something to her sister. Holding my head high, I ignored
their gossip.
     Judith, on the other hand, wasn't about to let them prattle on.
"Boo!"
     The youngest's mouth popped open with disbelief.  They
spent so much time gawking at Judith, they nearly missed the street
car. I should have told her not to do such things, but I knew better.
In spite of her eccentricities, Judith really did know how to behave.
Without meeting anyone else, we continued down Sixth Avenue
until we reached the boarding house.
     "Judith, do you remember when we stood -- I mean, will
stand here?"  The cold iron fence held no hint of the rust that would
consume it in 90 years.  "You didn't believe me then."
     "And I've been eating crow ever since. I suppose it wouldn't
do to ask if this is going to be as boring as it seemed in
Mephistopheles' sensorium."
     "You shouldn't --" Before John could finish scolding, Linda
Carver carried her red ball onto the front porch.  Immediately, she
dropped her ball and hollered for Eliza.  She ran from the kitchen.
Her dark eyes followed the child's outstretched hand to us.
     "Law have mercy!  Where you been all these months?"  She
hugged me.
     "Away. I came back to talk to Mother." I knew Eliza wanted
to say something much less friendly to John, but thankfully, Judith's
presence made her change her mind. With her usual good manners,
Eliza took Linda away.
     In the parlor, Mother and Mrs. Fisher looked up from their
embroidering. For a brief moment, I saw worry and relief in
Mother's eyes. Her usual cold anger soon returned.
     "Hello, Carolyn. So you decided to show your face after
runnin' off with that man."  Mother slipped off her spectacles and
rubbed the bridge of her nose.  "Can you tell me he's your husband,
or are you gonna shame the family some more?"
     Judith opened her mouth to say something.  John poked her
in the ribs. "Mrs. Cooper, Carolyn hasn't brought any 'shame' to
your family, I assure you."
     Mother glared at him. "Sir, your assurances mean nothing.
You have no idea how terrible things have been? Reporters from
newspapers all across the country came here because they wanted to
titillate their readers with my daughter's wicked actions."
     "Nora, please!"  Mrs. Fisher said. "Give the girl a chance to
explain."
     "I don't need an explanation," Mother replied. "Do I,
Carolyn?"
     "Mother, I --"
     "All right. Enough is enough. If you want to call your
daughter a whore, then say it already. Otherwise, shut up until you
have heard what we have to say."
     "Judith, please," John said.
     Both Mrs. Fisher and Mother stared at Judith with surprise,
but neither that nor John's warning glare stopped her. "Please
forgive my bluntness, ladies. I don't always show proper manners,
especially when they get in the way of the truth.  Mrs. Cooper, my
name is Judith Wilcox, and I'm John's cousin. John had to leave last
June because I was in trouble and I needed help. He thought
Carolyn could help... You did send your mother that letter, didn't
you?"
     "Well, I -- I..." I turned away so they couldn't see my shock.
     John, however, caught onto Judith's game. "The fault is all
mine. I had to catch the first train of the morning..."
     I couldn't believe my ears! But perhaps Mother did, for her
expression softened.
     Judith continued spinning her smooth tale, to my
astonishment and John's delight: "My dearest husband Paul had
taken suddenly and gravely ill. I needed cousin John to come home
to Bradford and help me put his affairs in order. Carolyn has helped
me take care of him these past few months while John worked with
his lawyer to sell my brother's land." From her purse, she took
several gold coins. "I believe that Carolyn owes you some back rent,
Mrs. Fisher. Is this enough?"
     Mrs. Fisher held up her hand. "My dear, you don't owe --"
     "I caused this terrible situation, and I'm the one who must
make reparations." With a smile, Judith dropped her coins into
Mother's lap.
     "If all of this is true," she said, "then why didn't you tell us
when all those terrible stories were printed in the paper?"
     "I'm afraid neither my husband nor I read the newspapers
much." Judith laid her hand on my shoulder. In my ear, she
whispered, "Jump in anytime."
     "Paul was terribly sick," I said. "I did write you a letter, but I
-- I lost it. Then, as time went by, it got more difficult... That's why I
had to come back."
     "Yes," added John. "A situation as delicate as this one
requires a personal explanation."
     Mrs. Fisher smiled at me. If I didn't know better, I would
have sworn that she could see through Judith's lie. "Well, what's
done is done now, child. I'm glad you came home at last.  Mr.
Wilcox, why don't you and your lovely cousin come sit on the porch
with me?  I'll have Eliza bring us some coffee."
     Mother returned to her embroidering. "Well, at least you are
finally back home. We will have to explain this, of course, and you
may not be able to show your face for a while. The rumors got
frightfully ugly. But the Reverend will understand, and he'll help us
all he can. If we are lucky, Mr. Kellers and Mr. Moore might give
you your old job back. I have heard they are not happy with the
typewriter who took your place. They never cared much about folks'
reputations, so your shameful disappearance probably won't bother
them so much."
     "I'm... Not staying.  I just came back to talk to you."
     "You can't go running around with this man! What will
people think?"
     "I don't care what people think!"
     "That, Carolyn, is part of your problem. You have never had
a respectable taste in men. Why, Mrs. Williams tells me the late
Frederick Quarrels frequented whorehouses, and you wouldn't
believe the things everyone has been saying about this man John!
The Reverend told me that John almost came to blows with a
foreigner on the church steps. My goodness, child, when will you
learn? You have got to start acting like a respectable woman. You're
almost too old to take a husband, but we've got to find someone
who will marry you before you get into any more trouble. Your
foolishness will be the death of me yet! Even your brother Eddie is
starting to look for a respectable wife, and your sister Ruth --"
     "We aren't talking about Ruth!"  The anger I'd kept bottled
up all these years was coming out, now, whether I wanted it to or
not.  "You don't know what kind of woman Ruth would have made.
She certainly was a stupid girl, without enough sense to stay out of a
burning building!"
     Mother's sewing slipped onto the floor.  "Oh, Lord..."
     "I am so sick of your grief!"  I stood over her. "You never
cared about me at all, even before Ruth died! You never minded
taking care of Eddie, you always doted over Ruth, but I was left to
fend for myself. I can imagine just how much you hated it the day
you came home to find out that the child you hated was the one who
lived!"
     At the parlor door, Judith started to say something, but John
pulled her away again. Her timely interruption gave my temper a
chance to cool, and that allowed my thoughts to cohere. "Mother,
I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that to you."
     Her expression confirmed my worst fears. Whether or not
we wanted to admit it, I had spoken the truth. My mother had
wanted to give my father a son when I was born, and I had born her
disappointment all my life. That fire so many years ago had taken
away the daughter she had wanted, and she was left with the one she
despised.
     Yet, in spite of her disdain toward me, I had at last found
sympathy for her. Mother had lost far more than Ruth that night. 
Faint memories of her arguments with Paw came back to me.  He
had blamed her for leaving us alone that night.  As years passed, he
went away for weeks at a time on his job.  The longest he ever
stayed home was after he got sick. Many things I had never
understood before now made sense.  Mother had given me a silver
hairbrush for my sixteenth birthday to spite Paw.  After his illness
struck him down, she was unable to care for him because he hated
her.  She must have hoped, maybe even prayed, he would finally
forgive her with his dying breath.
     "I apologize for the embarrassment my leaving again will
cause, but I simply can't live here anymore. We would tear each
other apart, don't you see?"  As I knelt to pick up her embroidering,
I realized that one more half-truth might at last bring her peace of
mind. "Mother, I really do love you, and so did Paw. He said so just
before he died."
     "Don't josh me, child. He tell you anything about." She put
the embroidering in her sewing basket. "But, for what it is worth,
your Paw was very angry at me because he really did love you. The
day you were born, he said you wouldn't grow up to be like any
other girl. He always took pride in you, and in his eyes, you could
do no wrong. Even if he was here now, I think he'd let you go. He
might even give you his blessing. But I can't do that."
     "I... Understand. Please tell Eddie goodbye for me."
     "Carolyn, wait. Will you at least sit with me for a spell?"
     "I... Can't. We have to leave soon, I have other things left to
do."
     "All in all... It's probably for the best." For the first time,
Mother looked like she might miss me. "Child, are you ever going to
marry John?"
     "I... Really don't know."
     On the porch, Judith sat beside Mrs. Fisher on the swing. 
John sat on the bannister.  Mrs. Fisher talked to him about
Saturday's races.  Judith politely tried to look interested.  As he set
his cup on the coffee tray, John met my eyes.  I wondered if he knew
what I was feeling.
     "Mrs. Fisher, where are my things?" I asked.
     "They're still in your room, dear."  She looked sad.  "Are you
leaving us for good?"
     "I'm afraid so."  I went upstairs to my room.  This time, I
wanted to take a few things with me:  My telescope, Paw's
astronomy diary, and my silver hairbrush.  I searched the closet for
the embroidered pillow Mrs. Fisher had given to me as a child.  In
my dressing table, I found a scrawled picture drawn by Linda on my
stationery.  A pearl and gold pin Eliza had given me for my birthday
was also there.  My silver hat pin had come from Eddie.  All these
memories fit into my carpet bag.
     Downstairs, Mother embroidered in the parlor.  I stopped at
the doorway; she didn't look up at me.
     "Your brother Eddie says I ought to take on another boarder
since Mr. Cromley passed," Mrs. Fisher said.  "But he was a
member of my family.  I just can't rent his room.  Not yet."
     I set my bag next to John.  "Mrs. Fisher, would you mind if
my friends stayed here a little while longer?"
     "Of course not."  Mrs. Fisher took my hand.  "This is your
home, Carolyn."
     I didn't have the heart to tell her that was no longer so.  "I
would appreciate it if you'd be kind enough to pack the remaining
things in my room.  I'll...  Send for them when we've settled
somewhere." With as many lies as I had told today, what was one
more? There was no need to make Mrs. Fisher keep a perfectly
rentable room filled with things I would never return for.
     "Certainly," she said.
     It took fifteen minutes to walk to the graveyard behind our
church and another ten to find Frederick's headstone:
          FREDERICK ANTHONY QUARRELS
 born October 28, 1869    died June 17, 1895
    "May the Lord have mercy on his soul."
     On a September evening in 1891, he had shown me no
mercy.  His foul deed had shattered my soul, and I had been picking
up the pieces ever since. In spite of my passionate moments with
John and Judith, nightmares would haunt me for the rest of my life. I
knew now that isolation was no answer; I wanted to find someone
to spend my life with. Thanks to John, I knew I could. To see my
happiness would have been a far more suitable punishment for
Frederick than his death. With that thought, I returned to the
boarding house.
     Tear tracks streaked Eliza's dark cheeks.  I held my hands
out to her, and she took them.  She said, "You come back and see
me, hear?"
     On the porch, Mrs. Fisher kissed me goodbye.  Mother
stood behind the screen door.  I wanted to hold her close and tell
her that I would always love her.  When I stepped toward the door,
she locked it with the hook and eye.
#
     Oppenheimer brought us back to the Mephistopheles a few
moments after we left, which surprised me.
     "I checked before I told him to take us back to West
Knoxville," John explained.
     "Well, maybe you're finally learning," said Judith.
     Minnelkin now slept on his ship, so I moved into the spare
room and took the second bed.  John, gratefully, respected my need
to sleep alone.  For the next several days, he and Minnelkin busied
themselves with the repairs on the Mephistopheles.  Judith split her
time between helping them and using the library.  I couldn't
concentrate well enough to listen to their attempts to show me
tasks.  I spent much of that time on my bed in the Conveyance.
     My vow at Frederick's grave to think about lovers caused me
to re-evaluate my feelings toward Judith.  Her affection often made
me uncomfortable.  The more I thought about her, the more I
realized that I could never love her in that way.  Paul had begged me
not to hurt her.  Attempting to live a lie would eventually hurt her
even more than telling her the truth now.
     "So there you are."  She walked into the room.  "I need an
extra pair of hands to do some scut work."
     "I need to be alone, please."
     "You need to get off your butt before you vegetate."
     "Why don't you stop acting like my mother!"
     "I could never act like that bitch."  She headed for the door. 
"You know, kid, you'd better get that chip off your shoulder if you
expect to get along with people."
     "Wait."  I cleared my throat.  "I have something to tell you. 
My desire for you originated from the complexity, and -- And --"
     "You're no longer interested in pursuing a love affair with
me.  No shit."  She turned away for a moment.  "Look, there's
something I need to tell you. When you leave, I'm not... Going."
     "What?"
     "I worked it out so I could stay with Minnelkin on his ship. 
As hired help.  His library isn't as sophisticated as John's, but I can
still learn from it."
     "Judith, you can't stay behind."  I grabbed her arms.  "You're
my best friend."
     She bowed her head.  "Carolyn, as much as I care about you,
staying here will be too hard for me... Please, say 'good night,
Gracie,' and let me go. It's better for everybody."
     Although I didn't understand her reference, the look on her
face told me that she believed she was doing the right thing. "I'll...
Miss you."
     I found John working on the starboard engine. "Why isn't
Judith coming with us?"
     He rubbed his forehead.  "I can't read her mind.  Why don't
you ask her?"
     "She wouldn't tell me.  I thought she might have told you."  I
sat on the floor.
     "Judith doesn't confide in me, Carolyn."  He returned to
work.  I handed him tools when he asked for them (he had to show
me some of them).  Even though he didn't carry on a conversation, I
felt like he wanted me there.  A while later, he put down his tools
and sat beside me.  He gently coaxed me to tell him about my
conversation with Judith.
     "Would you talk to her, please?" I asked.
     An odd expression crossed his face. "No. After everything
we have put her through, she should be allowed to choose."
     I nestled my head into the crook of his neck.  "I'm going to
miss her."
     He stroked my hair.  This was the first time I had let him
touch me since Oppenheimer had removed the ring.  His hands
shook; he seemed to be as afraid as I.  Although the old longing
returned, neither of us acted on it.  We sat together for a long time
before Judith's call on the intercom disturbed us.
      "I need some help down here, guys."
      "I'm on my way."  John looked down at me with a gentle
smile, then he departed.
      I climbed the serviceway to the main control room. 
Minnelkin, alone as usual, rubbed a cloth across the data cube
reader.  Over the intercom, John and Judith exchanged short words
about their work.
      I switched off the intercom.  "Did Judith tell you why she
wants to stay?"
     "No."  He moved to another panel. 
     I thought I loved John, yet I often found myself staring at
Minnelkin.  He threw himself into restoring his ship as a way of
shunting his sorrow.  He had never said what Mephistopheles had
done to him inside its sensorium.  He didn't have to tell me details. 
Mephistopheles had taken my most private fears and turned them on
me.  I had been trapped for only a few moments.  Poor Minnelkin
had been in the sensorium for hours.
     "Are you 'stargazing' again?"
     "No.  I was thinking about the sensorium, and --"
     "Just go away!"  He rubbed the panel with all of his strength.
     I grabbed his wrist with both of my hands.  "I will not go
away.  You need my help."
     "What I need, I cannot have."  He sat in the control chair. 
He closed his eyes for a few seconds before he spoke again. 
"Greistolon has told me that you must leave soon.  If you have
anything on board, please take it with you."
     I put my hand on his shoulder.  "You can't just hold all that
torment inside."
     He smiled wistfully.  "All of my memories aren't painful.  I
was a young boy when my parents moved to the colony from Earth. 
Oliva was born right after Father got the house built..."
     "Oliva is dead now," I gently said.
     "She came to the Triangle after the plague killed Mother and
Father.  I was in the Space Service then."
     "Minnelkin, please stop avoiding the issue!  It might help you
to tell someone about it."
     He avoided my eyes.  "Then I will tell Judith."
     "She won't understand!"
     "Don't be so certain of that."
     "How can she? She wasn't tortured by Mephistopheles the
way you and I were."
     "Do you want to know what he did to me?"  He pulled me
into his lap.  "He..."  His grip on my arms loosened.  "I am sorry."
     I hugged his head against my chest.
     "Carolyn, you are making this very difficult for me."  He
squeezed the chair arms.
     "Are you afraid of letting someone hold you?"
     "I am afraid of letting you hold me."  His arms tightened
around me.  "Because I do not want to let you go."
     A warm and wonderful feeling ran from head to toe.  I
wanted to share it with him.  I held his face and kissed him.  My old
memory of Frederick came again.  I didn't let it stop our kiss. 
Minnelkin's mouth tasted like stale coffee.  His hand ran along my
thigh to my hip.  My hands caressed his face and neck.  I felt as
excited as I had that day in Mr. Kellers' office.
     On a hot summer day long ago, I had wanted him to touch
me the way he touched me now.  Every time we had met, I had
wanted to reach out to him.  He had always reached out to me.  Not
only for the kiss we were now sharing, but also for the mutual
feeling of trust.  I trusted him no matter how mad he acted.  I
wanted to give myself to him.
     He pushed me back.  "I thought you were afraid of men."
     "I still am, a little."  I tilted his face toward mine.  "But right
now, I want --"
     "I do not think I can!"  He almost trembled with fear. 
"Mephistopheles used my feelings for you against me... The sad
truth is, my sanity is always questionable.  I could say 'I love you'
one minute, then kill you the next."  He planted his arms on the
control chair's arm rests.  "You should go back to Greistolon.  He is
careless, but he is sane.  He cares about you."
     "I care about you, Minnelkin."
     "Yes, but do you love me?"
     "I...  Don't know."
     He pushed me off his lap.  "I must get back to work."
     That night, I had trouble sleeping, so I strolled around the
decks on the Mephistopheles. It seemed so odd to walk alone here,
yet I wanted to know this ship as well as I had known my own
home. I soon found myself walking toward Minnelkin's room. We
had to talk about what had happened this afternoon, whether he
wanted to face it or not.
     Around the corner, Judith's voice stopped me dead in my
tracks. She was talking, not to Minnelkin, but to Oppenheimer.
     "I cannot explain just yet. You need to learn as much as you
can, not only about this ship, but about Shegulla and the worlds that
claim it." The monkey dog coiled and uncoiled its tail while it spoke.
     "Sure, Poochie. Whatever."
     "Please try to pay attention. We may not get another
opportunity to speak privately. When we meet again, it will be very
important for you to trust me and -- my new traveling companion,
no matter what."
     "After what you and your current 'traveling companions'
have put me through, I ought to tell you to go peddle your papers.
But I won't have a choice, will I?"
     In a surprisingly tender fashion, Oppenheimer laid its paw on
her shoulder. "Please, Judith, try not to let your grief for your friend
consume you. It will interfere with your education."
     "Sure, why not stretch my mind? It's all I've got left. Okay,
Sweetheart, I get your message loud and clear: Gray cells come
first. At least I might not be so lonely if..."
     Oppenheimer shook its head.
     "Oh. Well, I hope at least I'll like Minnelkin's new girlfriend."
     Dropping to all fours, the money dog replied, "I believe you
will."
     The next day, I decided to lend a hand. Judith was right in
that I shouldn't sit around moping while everyone else worked. In
the port side engine room, John and Judith argued over whether to
dismantle Minnelkin's time drive. I started to interrupt their
argument, but something held me at the doorway. Perhaps it was the
way they looked at each other.
     "I say that should be up to him," Judith said.
     "Time travel is not something that is to be taken lightly," said
John.
     "Oh, yeah?  You sure as hell take it lightly, you irresponsible
twit!"
     "Judith, you don't understand."
     "Just shut your hole and listen for once!  You started out by
messing with Carolyn's life --"
     He had started out by killing the Conveyance's original
companion and removing selected memories from Oppenheimer's
brain.
     "-- Then you left Minnelkin to bleed to death --"
     Although Minnelkin had been motivated by anger, he had
tried to reason with John on Shegulla.  John had stunned him
without listening.  Their struggle in Judith's living room must have
made his frustration unbearable.  He had seen no other way to help
me than to kidnap me.
     "-- And if that wasn't enough, you screwed me out of Paul's
last months of life!"
     John had never warned Judith about the possibility of being
unable to return to her home until several months had passed.  He
hadn't even asked Oppenheimer to check.  When he did take Judith
home, he had wanted to leave her stranded with no explanation.
Yes, he had considerable power with the Conveyance.  And he
misused it in every case.  No wonder the original Oppenheimer had
wanted to take him home.
     "I have made many mistakes," John said to Judith.  "I am not
perfect."
     "I don't expect you to be perfect," she said.  "Nobody does.
You do need to take responsibility for your actions."
     "I'm trying to." His voice was thick with remorse. "I am not
stupid, Judith. Dealing with Carolyn's pain and Minnelkin's anger has
made me realize why I should not interfere with time.  But when
someone hurts, I hurt, and the Tolisian way has always been to set
things right -- if we can. When we can do no more, we move on."
     "Honey, there's always more."
     "So you've taught me."  His arm touched Judith's. "I could
learn a lot more from you, if you would only reconsider --"
     "That's why I'm staying here, nitwit," she said. "I'm not
immune to your come-ons, and I'm not going to be the one who
causes you to cheat on Carolyn."
     "In my society, it's not 'cheating.'"
     "It is to her, and to me. Besides, when it's all said and done,
I'll probably be left standing without a chair, as usual. Just drop the
whole thing."
     "We both know I can't do that."
     This time, she didn't pull away. Neither moved toward the
other, although I could feel how badly they wanted to. When he
started to speak again, she laid her hand on his lips. "Greistolon,
some things are better left unsaid."
     "Just tell me one thing. If not for Carolyn, then would you..."
His voice trailed as they came together with a passion that cut
through me like a knife. Judith cut their kiss short by pushing him
away.
     "Oppenheimer --" For a moment, she closed her eyes.
     "Oppenheimer what?"
     "I -- He said you might try something like this. He said for
me not to -- But even if he hadn't warned me, damn it, you already
have Carolyn! You owe her, and I'm not going to get in the way." In
spite of repeated questions from John, Judith told him nothing else
about her conversation with the monkey dog.
     I wanted to run into the room and claw both their eyes out.
John had lied to me about his closeness to Judith. In spite of his
being drawn to her, I had always assumed that he loved me! How
could I have been so wrong?
     "If you won't talk to me about Oppenheimer, will you at
least tell me about Paul?"
     She froze in mid-action. "You were born in the wrong era,
Geistolon. You should have been at the Spanish Inquisition. You're
a natural at torturing people."
      "Please, I'm just trying to understand. Paul claimed to love
you, but he never told you until he wrote the suicide note."  John
took a folded paper from his pocket.
      "You had no right to read that!"  She crumpled it in her
hands.
      "I didn't have to." He put his hands on her shoulders. "Don't
let a false sense of guilt consume you. I want... No. You have
already given me your answer." After gently caressing her neck, he
stepped away. "But Carolyn and I... I just don't know anymore."
     "Here I go again!"  She faced him again.  "Don't you get it?
That is the story of every relationship I've ever had."
     For the first time, I understood where her bitterness came
from.  Paul had turned to her only when he had been afraid of dying. 
I had turned to her out of desperate loneliness.  Her former husband
must have treated her has badly as we had.  No wonder she viewed
the world with angry cynicism.
     "Now, please, just pick up your toys and go fuck with
somebody else. I can't take any more of this."
     John started to touch her, but instead he gathered his tools. 
As he reached for the last item, she pounced on it.  They knelt over
the tool, with their hands touching and their eyes locked. This time,
they both very slowly closed the distance between them.
     I couldn't bear to watch whatever came next.  Renewed
jealousy added to the emotions twisting inside me.  As I returned to
the Conveyance, my thoughts turned to the time John and I had been
together.  I had been irritated, then curious, then lustful. My desire
for him was not enough of a foundation to build a life on, yet I felt
equally uncomfortable about staying behind.  I trusted Minnelkin,
and perhaps I would eventually love him, but his fear might always
come between us.
     As mine had come between me and John.  Trusting
Minnelkin had come easily  because he had gained my sympathy. 
John had been forced to earn my trust, with my fighting him every
inch of the way.  I respected him for his efforts toward me;
otherwise, I had very little respect for him.  He had tinkered with
people's lives without a thought about the consequences.  His
carelessness with the complexity had caused Minnelkin -- and me --
a great deal of pain.  John had driven Frederick Quarrels to suicide. 
Oliva had turned into a Lovoli.  Paul had been denied the comfort of
Judith's presence.  If she had been with him, he might not have killed
himself.
     And now, he teased Judith with the same passion that had
once tempted me. How long would I be able to stand aside and
watch John's good intentions hurt others before I walked away for
good?
     Into my carpet bag, I repacked my things from Mrs. Fisher's
house, then I added a pair of jumpsuits.  A few more items of
clothing filled the bag nearly to overflowing.
     Oppenheimer stood in the doorway.  "It's about time you
made up your mind. I hope everything goes all right."
     "Are you going to let John continue traveling?"
     It barked a laugh.  "My... Masters have finally answered my
message.  He must now return to his point of origin."
     "But he'll die on that island!"
     "He won't die, Carolyn. Among my missing data was a
complete accounting of Greistolon the Diplomat's life. Rest assured,
he will not only survive imprisonment, but you might even meet him
again someday." It cut off my question with a gentle growl. "I've
said too much as it is."
     John met me in the entrance hall.  His gaze rested on my
carpet bag.  The look on his face told me that he thought I was
leaving him for Minnelkin.  It would be kinder to let him think that
than to tell him that I didn't respect him.  I kissed his cheek, then I
ran into the Mephistopheles.  It was best to end this quickly.
     No.  John deserved more than that; after all, he had freed me
from my self-imposed isolation.  I should say goodbye to him
properly, and let him know he would always hold a special place in
my heart.  I headed back to the Conveyance, and bumped into the
wall.
#
     Life on the Mephistopheles was sparse and hard.  Minnelkin,
Judith and I lived on dehydrated rations while we finished repairing
the ship.  We stayed in orbit around Lovolus for several weeks so
that Minnelkin could teach us how to use its brain interface.  The
computer now had a neutral personality, for we wanted no more
dealings with unstable emotions.
     Our days were spent in routine maintenance, language
lessons (we had to learn "Universal," and Minnelkin had no spare
translators) and navigation lessons.  Most evenings, Judith retreated
to her cabin.  I reached out to Minnelkin; he sometimes let me. 
Patience ruled my actions.  As I grew to love him, I knew our time
would come.
     Before departure, he decided to dismantle the time drive for
spare parts and trading material.  With Oliva dead and John back on
Tolis, he felt we had no further need for it.
     "I have a further need for it," Judith said.  "I want to make
one final trip home."
#
     It was a hot and muggy afternoon in Knoxville on August
15, 1988.  No one else stirred in the cemetery.  Judith searched from
headstone to headstone until she found Paul's.  She knelt down in
front of it and whispered things to him.  Minnelkin and I stood back
to show our respect.
     Automobiles whizzed by at their usual breakneck speeds. 
Although a few people drove through the cemetery, no one stopped
to look at us.  I had been frightened when I had found myself alone
in this time.  My uncertainty about my past and my fear of
abandonment made me act like a helpless child.  No wonder Judith
took pity on me.
     As I stared at the distant mountains, I felt sure I would never
be abandoned again.  In my complicated journey through time and
space, I had found the companion I had wished for the day Paw
died.
     I had found myself.
                     END