Stargazer by Karen D. Morton Copyright 1989 by Karen D. Morton. All rights reserved. Chapter 14 The dim hallway of the Mephistopheles' prisoner pod was lit by only a few of the white squares embedded in the ceiling. All of the doors to the tiny prison cells had been removed. Splattered paint covered the floor in the closest cell. Someone had carelessly thrown junk inside. When we stepped from the Conveyance, air chilled our bones. "Jeeze!" Judith shivered. "Is Mephistopheles' plan to freeze the Lovoli to death?" "More likely, he has only recently turned life support on in here." John played with the strap on his bag. "We're expected." "How perceptive of you!" called Mephistopheles. "Welcome aboard, all! Have you no greeting for your beloved brother, Oliva?" "Where is our brother?" she asked. "Up here with me, of course. Greistolon, old friend and treacherous liar! I'll have to find a use for your Conveyance and Oppenheimer when this is all over with." He laughed. "Come along, now. Minnelkin is waiting for you." John turned to Oliva. "Perhaps you and Carolyn should wait here until we can determine whether or not Mephistopheles has his Lovoli killer activated." When I started to protest, Judith covered my mouth with her hand. "For once, I have to agree with your boyfriend." John said, "I wish you would stop calling me that." Mephistopheles said, "If all four of you don't get up here, I'll kill Minnelkin right now!" "If our brother still lives, we do not wish to be the cause of his death," said Oliva. "Come this way." The four of us squeezed into a tiny airlock that connected the prisoner pod with the rest of the ship. John helped us women climb out the top exit. A shuttlecraft sat in the landing bay, which confirmed that Minnelkin was on board. Oliva led us to a group of service ladders near the cargo hold. She put a shaking hand to her forehead and asked to rest for a moment. We waited until she could continue. As we ascended the ladder, she paused several times. I, too, began to tire. When we reached the next level, Judith had to help Oliva stand. The ship's lounge swirled in front of my eyes. Every step pulled me deeper into blackness until there was nothing left.... "Car'lyn, git up!" Eliza's call jarred me awake. What a strange dream I'd had! I climbed from under the quilt, slipped on my robe and raised the shade. The cold and my wall calendar confirmed my memory that tomorrow would be Thanksgiving Day, 1891. In the yard below, Paul the milkman talked to Eliza. I tapped on the window and waved at him. How could I have dreamed of such a cruel death for him? I dressed quickly, for I didn't want to be late this morning. Mr. Kellers and Miss Moore had to have their surveyor's report on Brown's Mountain ready by three o'clock. Not even the message boy would go to work tomorrow. Downstairs, Mother and Mrs. Fisher knitted socks for the Chamberlains' new baby, who would be born in the spring. Mother was still upset over my parting with Frederick. After my dream, I was glad we'd parted before anything awful could have happened! Eliza brought my lunch pail. I told her goodbye, donned my cloak and hat, then headed for the street car stop. Teresa Chamberlain called a greeting to me, which I returned. She was already looking plumper in her midriff. I hoped her son (it just had to be a boy!) would have her red hair and Samuel's dark eyes. At the street car stop, I met Samuel. His stocky form was encased in an overcoat. The scarf he wore around his neck had been crocheted by Teresa. We got on the street car together. "Good mornink." Olivia stood to give me her seat. Her blond hair was neatly braided underneath her rosy hat. She had been living in West Knoxville for three years now with her brother, Michael Nein. She worked as a typewriter at the University School (just two stops away), and her brother worked as a civil engineer at Mr. Pill's office in the Deadrick building. Not many people had spoken to them at first because they were foreigners. Now that was starting to change. Some girls even said Michael might be a good catch. "Mornink, Miss Carolyn." He tipped his hat, which revealed short blond curls. He rarely talked about himself; instead, he would chat about the weather or a headline in the morning paper. A lot of ladies found his shyness to be charming. Even I often hoped for more than a passing glance. Eddie waved to me from the livery on Prince Street. I blew him a kiss before we went into the Deadrick Building. I decided never to tell anyone about my queer dream. Eddie's anger had hurt. Michael and I stopped in front of Mr. Pill's office. We did this every day. He would stare at me for several seconds, then he would say some polite phrase of departure. This morning, however, he played with his hat. "Carolyn, uh, I wonder if you would like to help me pick out my sister's Christmas present this Saturday?" I laid my gloved hand on his coat sleeve. "I would be happy to. Shall we meet on the nine o'clock street car?" He smiled and shook his head. "I'd rather call on you, please." "All right. Why don't you come to my house for breakfast at eight?" At Kellers and Moore, Miss Moore stood in front of my desk. Her dark curls were pulled tightly into a bun. She grinned at me when I hung my cape on the coat rack. She made me feel uncomfortable when she looked at me that way. "Good morning, Carolyn." Her brown eyes peered at me over wire-framed glasses. "I need to dictate a letter before you get to the surveyor's report." "Certainly." I pulled the stenography pad from my desk drawer. "Dear Mr. Brown," she began. "It's time for this dream to end." Mr. Kellers stood in the doorway of his office. The orange light from the gas jets reflected in his grey eyes. "Enclosed please find the results of our survey for your land in South Knoxville," she continued. "Stop it!" His fist slammed on my desk near her. "Don't tell that to me," she said. "We have found the land to be of good quality for a variety of purposes." "Wake up, Carolyn!" Grabbing my arms, he pulled me from my chair. "I'm John and she's Judith. We're on the Mephistopheles, and you have got to wake up now." "No! That was only a dream." I grabbed his lapels. A glowing ring had attached itself to my hand. Searing pain raced up my arm to my head. "We're alive..." "Wake up!" John leaned over me. He had carried me into the main control room. Oliva lay beside me. The room smelled like an outhouse. Judith pulled the control headband off Minnelkin's head. His pants and chair had filled with his body's wastes, and his eyes were frozen open. "Come on, damn you, don't be dead!" She shoved her hand inside his shirt. "Get over here, John Boy! He's still alive." John helped Judith put Minnelkin on the floor. While she tried to wake him, John took a small disk from his bag and pressed it onto Minnelkin's neck. His lids fluttered closed. "Oliva, I think he's going to be all right." I shook her shoulder. "Wake up now." "Carolyn --" John ran to me as I turned her over. Her open eyes stared at nothing. "You see, I do know how to kill them," said Mephistopheles. "You're one sick son of a bitch!" Judith returned to caring for Minnelkin. "Just like the man who programmed me, my dear. Did you know he found you attractive? It is a pity he did not know your true nature." "You wouldn't know squat about 'my true nature' or anything else." "Don't goad him. What do you intend to do with us?" John asked. Mephistopheles cackled. "As the lesbian would say, I am going to 'fuck with your minds.' My dear Carolyn, are you wondering why you are still alive? You did not get your history lesson, so you are not quite Lovoli enough yet. Do not be disappointed! They always find a way to acquire a new part." "I thought you were going to kill them," I said. "Why, I am going to kill them -- and you. How do you like the way my Lovoli killer worked on that thing that used to be Oliva? She will never suffer again. Unlike you, Carolyn dear. Minnelkin's dreams gave me new ideas for your sensorium. Now, Greistolon, empty your bag on the back-up control panel!" "I'd rather not, thank you." John led me to a chair. "Then let the lesbian do it. She might even find a new masturbation toy." "Oh, fuck you!" Judith yelled at the main viewer. Mephistopheles sighed. "If only the A. I. at R7987-X had let me keep those automatons, then I could have accommodated your request physically. But I will do it to your mind instead." Mephistopheles must have programmed these "automatons" to build his Lovoli killer. Judith started to yell a reply when John touched her shoulder. His concern softened her glare to a sad look. She even let him hold her. Watching them made me realize just how strongly her intense emotions affected him. His empathy attracted him to her like a moth to a light. The way he touched her told me that given the right circumstances, he could want her or maybe even love her as much as he had ever loved me. The Lovoli's grip on my emotions loosened enough for a pang of jealousy to slip through. "How touching," said Mephistopheles. "But watching you two bores me. Get on with it." John spread the contents of his bag on the back-up control panel. Among the tools and cylinders lay a cutting laser and a green cube. "What is that?" asked Mephistopheles. "Just a data cube." John shrugged. "I thought you'd be more interested in knowing how we we're going to defeat you. Over here we have --" "I know what those tools are!" Mephistopheles snorted. "Those pitiful trinkets wouldn't begin to breach my security. Let me read that cube, or the lesbian dies!" The ceiling laser swiveled to point at Judith. "If you insist." John plugged the cube into a reader. A few seconds later, Mephistopheles cried out. After an eternity, its blood- curdling screams faded away. "Just what was in that cube, anyway?" Judith asked. "It was a 'mind wipe' routine," John said. "Oppenheimer found it in the Conveyance's data files. Everything except for critical auxiliary routines such as life support and ship navigation charts was erased." He put the tools back into the bag. Weakly, Minnelkin moaned. Judith bent over him. "Oliva?" He looked up at her. "Carolyn?" "Judith," she said softly. "Let me help you." "Where is Oliva?" He grabbed her arms to pull himself up. "There's no gentle way to say this. Mephistopheles killed her." Minnelkin closed his eyes. "Thank you for telling me the truth." His voice choked with grief. "Is Carolyn ..." "I'm right here." I stood on my shaky legs. "You are not Lovoli?" "No, she isn't." John interrupted. "We need to get you to the Conveyance's medical unit." "Just let me die. It would be kinder." Minnelkin started to lay back down. "No, you don't!" Judith grabbed his shirt. "Not after all that work I just did." I knelt down beside them. "If you give up, Mephistopheles will have beaten you. Is that what you want?" Minnelkin looked from Judith to me. He pushed her away, then he reached for me. "We need to get back to the Conveyance." John grabbed his arms and pulled him to his feet. "Can you walk?" We used the service ladder in the main control room to climb down to the next level. Judith held me steady when I felt too dizzy to go on. By the time we went inside the Conveyance, most of my strength had returned. Minnelkin climbed into the medical unit. John returned to the Mephistopheles. Oppenheimer said, "His main physical problem, aside from the mess in his pants, is dehydration, malnutrition and optical damage. His eyes were frozen open for some time." The monkey dog frowned in concentration. "He'll be repaired in less than two hours." It left Judith and me alone. She glanced at me from time to time, as if she wanted to say something. I kept my eyes on the medical unit. After a few minutes, she went to the library. I stood in the doorway while the library taught her "astrogation." John returned a while later. He put new tools into his bag from the cabinets. Judith called to him on his way out. "Hey! Let's take care of that Lovoli killer." "I'd rather leave you here," he said. "Part of the Lovoli killer includes what you might call a 'booby trap.'" He held up another data cube. "I found these plans in Mephistopheles' auxiliary data banks. Oppenheimer and I will find a way to disarm the trap." Judith sniffed. "I hope those plans are 'as-builts.'" "I'll manage." "Good luck, John." I hugged his arm. He kissed me. "I love you, Carolyn." "I wonder," Judith muttered after he left. "What do you mean by that?" I followed her to her bedroom. "Never mind." She lay on the bed. Her hands slipped under her head. "The Lovoli almost got you down there, didn't they?" "Yes. I'm not sure I want to keep from becoming Lovoli anymore. All I ever feel is pain." "Part of life, kid." "What do you know about pain?" "A hell of a lot more than you think I do!" She sat up. "I don't go running to the nearest bottle of tranquilizers every time something goes wrong. But hey, if you want to run away, who am I to stop you? Maybe I'll just get Poochie to drop you off on Lovolus, then you'll never have to cry in your beer again." "Excuse me," said Oppenheimer from the doorway. "Greistolon needs assistance, Judith." "He'll 'manage,' huh? Tell John Boy I'm on my way." After she left, the monkey dog turned to me. "I'm still waiting for you to decide about your ring." "What are you talking about?" "Dot you want to get rid of it or not?" "John said that you told him we must go to Tolis." "I told him the procedure was risky. He didn't ask me where it could be done." This conversation was taking on aspects of unbelievability. "If the procedure can be done in your medical unit, why didn't you say so?" "I just did." It turned to leave. "Make up your mind soon. You don't have much time." I retreated to my bed. As I stared at my reflection in the mirrored wall, I wondered if I should just go ahead and let the Lovoli have me. They would free me from ever having to face my heartaches, past and present. I would not have to worry about choosing between John and Judith. I would not have to face life alone. My strength would come from the Lovoli union. Their calmness would be my freedom. Yet, I had been running from pain all of my life. I had hoped that Frederick Quarrels would marry me and take me away from Mother. After the rape, I had hidden behind cold pretenses to keep other men at bay. I had fled from my loneliness in West Knoxville by going with John in the Conveyance. And I had run from my fear of love by putting on the ring. Was I now ready to run away from myself with no hope of coming back? Minnelkin stood in the hall. Oppenheimer had given him a jumpsuit that stretched tightly across his broad shoulders. He shoved his hands into his pockets and leaned against the doorway. "If you want to be a Lovoli, it is as simple as opening your mind to their history." Lavala called to me: "Be one with us, Carolyn. Divorce yourself from your loneliness and pain." "I haven't decided yet." I sat up. "This isn't a choice anyone can make for you. Perhaps you would be happier." He turned to leave. "Do you like yourself at all?" His question so startled me, I couldn't answer. Mother had always told me that I would never be as good as my sister. Maybe I'd never be good enough for anyone. "You are waiting for me to tell you that you have value. I cannot do that. You must know that for yourself." I ran to the door before he could leave. "If I don't become Lovoli, I'll be in pain again." My grip forced open the front of his jumpsuit. "But if you find joy, it will be yours." He covered my hands with his. I buried myself in his chest as I had done at Kellers and Moore, but this time I didn't cry. On a hot summer day, I had longed to burrow myself into his suit. That longing returned. "Do what you wish, but don't ask me to help you choose." He pushed me back and sank onto the bed. His hands did not go to his face quickly enough to hide his grimace. He did not have to tell me he though I had "value." My becoming Lovoli would probably push him over the edge. Did I care enough about him to find my freedom? For that matter, did I care enough about myself? I backed out of the bedroom and into Oppenheimer. "I will be glad when you people are out from underfoot! Now, Greistolon and Judith insist that I prepare the medical unit for you. It'll be ready within the hour." When I returned to the bedroom, Minnelkin looked up at me. "You will find sane company elsewhere." "I don't think you're insane." I sat beside him. "Sometimes, Carolyn, I have no sanity." He took my hand. "Excuse me." Oppenheimer walked in on us. "Greistolon wants to know how you wish to dispose of your sister's body. I can relay the message if you prefer." Minnelkin shook his head. "Tell him I am on my way." With a nod, Oppenheimer left us alone. I leaned toward Minnelkin. Our faces were close enough to touch, yet he didn't try to kiss me. Instead, his forehead leaned against mine. The Lovoli's whispers tried to kill my feelings. Pushing their thoughts back made my head throb. I wanted to keep this feeling for as long as I could, no matter how much it hurt. I wanted to show him how much I longed for his touch. I tilted my head so that my lips could brush against his. He pulled away before I could complete the kiss. "Please, don't do that." A half hour later, we held Oliva's funeral near the Mephistopheles' organic recycler. Minnelkin insisted on a few moments alone with his sister's body. Judith, John and I stepped into the hallway. "I think our task is done here," John said. My mouth popped open. "What more could we possibly do?" John looked puzzled. "His is the kind of pain that must be dealt with alone." "Jesus, dude!" Judith shoved her fists into John's chest. "Do you always walk out on people after you've pissed in their lives?" "You may stay if you like. Carolyn?" "I won't leave him like this." "Very well. We'll stay. For now." Before I could reply, he pushed Judith aside and tramped down the corridor. "Lord, that impossible son of a --" "Judith, please! John wasn't being cruel. He just didn't understand why we want to stay." "Oh, he understood, all right." She turned to leave. "It's too bad the Tolisians' fantastic empathy didn't cure jealousy." Moments later, Minnelkin stepped into the hallway. He wiped his face with the back of his hand. "You did not have to wait, Carolyn." "I wanted to." As I glanced down at my ring, I noticed its blink. He held up Oliva's ring. "I did not want the recycler to be corrupted by the complexity. But now what do I do with it?" "Return to us what is ours," said Lavala's voice. I swallowed. It was becoming more difficult -- and painful -- to hold them at bay. "What do you want to do with it?" He crushed it under his heel. Pain traveled up my arm, and muted screams echoed in my mind. I shook my head to clear it. I felt numb as Minnelkin walked with me to the Conveyance. Oppenheimer, John and Judith met us in the entrance hall. "Everything is ready," Oppenheimer said. "What are you going to do?" "We need a host." John grabbed Judith's arm before she could move. "You are the most compatible person here." "There's no need to get pushy!" Judith stepped away. "I'll do it if she will." "You cannot change what was meant to be, Carolyn," said Lavala's voice. I wasn't sure if becoming a Lovoli was "meant to be" or not. I wanted to be free, yet doubts kept popping into my head. What if I was unable to handle my pain? I could become as immersed in self-pity as I had been when John had first met me. Judith had not known me before I put on the ring. She might turn away from me if she saw my true self. I had been unable to love John before. Now, I longed for Minnelkin as well. Removing the ring would take all of that away. I'd see Frederick every time I reached for John. Or anyone. On the other hand, the Lovoli were not going to let me keep my individuality for much longer. I would slip into their union if I delayed. I didn't want to lose myself. Judith was right about one thing: I had to face my emotions, no matter how bad they were. It was time to stop running away. I held my hands out to John and Judith. "I'm ready." # My first waking thoughts were of pain and grief. No one whispered a comforting thought. No calmness blunted the edge of my sadness. I was alone in my personal Hell. It was time to pay the piper for my dance. The medical unit opened to reveal Judith standing over me. "Hi, kid." In Mephistopheles' sensorium, she had sentenced me to hang. "No," I told myself, "Mephistopheles did that." I was determined not to let my memories of his torture add to my heartache. "Where is John?" "Talking to the Lovoli. He took your ring and the 'crystal' back to Lavala." I walked with her to the entranceway. The subtropical Lovoli forest stretched out before me. It no longer felt like home. "Minnelkin stayed up in the Mephistopheles to stuff the killing machine out an airlock. It made a beautiful meteor streak," Judith said. Poor Minnelkin not only had to deal with Oliva's death, he also had to face nightmares and memories of the torture in Mephistopheles' sensorium. I hoped we'd be able to somehow lessen his pain. Judith slipped her arm around me. "I thought I'd flash an idea past you. Since you seem to be so worried about your mom's feelings toward you, why don't you go have a heart-to-heart talk with her?" "What good would that do?" Judith shrugged. "She might not hate you as much as you think she does." "Or maybe she hates me more." I lowered my eyes. "I don't think I could face her." "That's how you ended up messing with the Lovoli to begin with." Judith cupped her hand under my chin. "Speaking of facing things, when are you going to deal with your grief?" A pained look crossed her face. "I haven't forgotten about Paul. I'll deal with that after I've taken care of you." Oppenheimer interrupted us. It sniffed at my now bare hand and muttered. It was probably telling John that I was awake. He walked into the entrance hall. "Oppenheimer, take us back to the Mephistopheles. We'll help Minnelkin get it into shape." "Why is his ship in such bad shape?" Judith asked. "His obsession with me must have caused him to neglect all but its most critical operations," John replied. "But no matter what the reason, he needs our help." "Just a moment, John," I said. "I want to go back to West Knoxville first." "Why?" He frowned at me. Judith tilted her head to one side. She seemed pleased. "I have some unfinished business with my family." Before anyone could reply, I went to the wardrobe to fetch some proper clothes.