Stargazer by Karen D. Morton Copyright 1989 by Karen D. Morton. All rights reserved. Chapter 13 1988 Judith finally calmed down enough to get dressed. John hadn't said a word the whole time, and my words of comfort were met only with hot and angry silence. Giving up, I dropped onto the couch. In a chair across from me, John cradled his head in his hands. "Are you all right?" "No." He looked at me. "And I thought you had strong feelings... We can't leave her in this state. She will have to stay with us until she can cope." "I don't think she'll want to come with us now." Running away from a problem wasn't how Judith handled things. "It doesn't matter what she thinks she wants," John insisted. "If she stays, she'll..." Judith glared at him from the hallway. "There is nothing you could have done," I said soothingly. "Put a cork in it," she replied. Someone turning the front door lock interrupted our conversation. An icy breeze accompanied Teri into the house. "How did it happen?" Judith grabbed her lapels. "Why did you let him --? "And where in the fuck were you?" She slapped at Judith. "Stop it!" John pulled them apart. "Your note said you'd be gone for only a few days at the very most," Teri said accusingly. "That's what I thought!" Judith struggled against John's grip. "Will you let me go? Hey, Teri, I'm sorry. I just never thought he'd really get it... I'm sorry, okay?" "It isn't Judith's fault she was gone for so long," I said to Teri. "You see, this was the closest time period we could return to." "What are you talking about?" Puzzled, Teri looked from me to Judith to John, as if she were seeing us for the first time. Only then did I remember that no one had told her about the Conveyance before we left. I explained about its anti-paradox circuit. She stared at me with disbelief. "Okay, so now I'm supposed to believe this horseshit?' "'Horseshit' or not, it is true," John said. "I really don't care whether you believe Carolyn, but maybe you should consider Judith's feelings." "Mighty white of you to think of that now that it's too late." Judith freed herself. "It's a long story, Teri. I shouldn't have gone." "It doesn't matter now." Teri placed her hands on Judith's shoulders. "Look, I'm not sure you really want to know what happened to Paul." "You're as bad as they are!" She shrugged us off. Teri, John and I stared at each other uncomfortably until John quietly introduced himself. Teri went to the kitchen, and he sat on the sofa. Although Judith wouldn't look at me, she let me sit on the floor beside her chair. I hugged her legs. After a while, her hand stroked my hair. "You'd better go now." Her voice was completely drained of emotion. "If everything works out, come back for a visit." "I'm not going to leave you like this." Her finger tapped the ring. "And I won't let John Boy leave you here with this." John propped his chin on his fist and said nothing. "I want to know how Paul died, Teri," Judith said when Teri returned from the kitchen. Coffee's aroma drifted in after her. Teri sighed. "About a month after you left, uh, around Christmas, Paul's monthly blood test came back HIV-positive." Although Paul never had said he needed to be with Judith, he started sleeping in her bed. He put his clothes in her closet. His depression worried Teri, so she suggested that they try to find Judith. Without a clue, they contacted friends and relatives. They also checked bus stations, cabs and the airport. No one had seen us. To Paul, this only added to his hopeless situation. His temper turned violent enough to strike Teri during an argument. She decided that their friendship extend to taking abuse, so she took some of her things to Sammy's apartment. Meanwhile, Paul quit his job and stayed home. Sammy checked on him twice a week because Teri couldn't stand to witness his deterioration. "A week ago, Sammy found Paul's body. He cut his wrists while sitting in the bathtub." Nobody said anything for a long time. I had never imagined Paul capable of doing himself in. John, trying to keep control, stared at Judith. "He left a note," Teri finally said. "The police read it, but we couldn't bear to. Sammy has been over here taking care of things. This is the first time I've been here in about a month." "Where is the note?" Judith asked dully. "The cops took the original, but they let Sammy bring a photocopy back. It's in his upper left dresser drawer, I think." Teri rubbed her forehead. Judith gently pushed me aside so she could go to Paul's room. She returned a moment later. She held the envelope out to me. The envelope read, "If Judith EVER returns." She gingerly opened it and read the note. "You son of a bitch!" She threw it on the floor. "I knew it..." Teri reached for the note, only to withdraw her hand when she touched it. She threw her arms around Judith and tried to comfort her. I hugged both of them. The three of us held each other until I fell asleep. Sometime later, I awoke on the sofa. Someone had covered me with a blanket. John slept in the chair Judith had occupied earlier, and someone had picked up the note. Judith and Teri talked quietly in the kitchen. "Why didn't you tell us about her?" Teri asked. "We would have understood." "Maybe, maybe not. I'm at least as big a fan as you, and I had trouble accepting it. When they came back for Minnelkin, we got caught up in trying to get her ring off. I doubt if twelve hours have passed for me since we left...." Judith covered Teri's hand with hers. "Are you going to leave with them again?" "No. Not with Paul -- gone." "You could probably get your old job back, and we'll help you clean up." "I doubt if FutureTech would rehire me. Besides, I don't think I could stand it here anymore." Judith stared out the kitchen window. "Did you know we went to high school together?" She rest her forehead against her fists. "Hey, is my car still around?" Teri nodded. "It's paid for." "Would you mind selling the house and distributing the stuff I leave behind?" "If that's what you want. Where are you going?" "Anywhere. Someplace where I can get a decent paying job, but I can't stay here, and I'm not going with them. I'll call my lawyer and have him draw up a power of attorney for you to sign the papers on the house. I'm afraid I can only leave enough in the bank to cover house payments for six months." "Well, not quite," Teri said. "I wrote mortgage payment checks on the house account, and --" "Oh. I guess it's been six months already. Thank goodness for overdraft protection. How much have I got left in savings, anyway?" "Not much." "We'll have to sell the house to an investor so the bank won't repossess it. And I'll have to get another job p.d.q. And that means either Florida or California. At least I've narrowed it down." Judith held her arms out to me. "Come here, baby." "I want you to come with us." I let her hold me until she let go. "Go wake up your boyfriend and tell him it's time to stop screwing around. Say goodbye to Minnelkin and Oppenheimer for me, okay?" She silenced my protest by covering my mouth with her hand. "This is the end, Carolyn. I expect you to be gone when we get back." I protested again, but she pushed me away. If she didn't want me to be with her, so be it! I ran into the Conveyance. Oppenheimer said something I didn't hear. I threw myself onto the bed and covered my head with the pillow. When I awakened, I located Oppenheimer in his chair. He didn't have any answers yet. "Are we back at Kamara Beach?" "Why don't you go see?" Oppenheimer returned to the cube reader. The entrance hall still let out into Judith's rec room. As I started to leave, Judith cried out from the kitchen. "I don't believe you!" She walked into the rec room. "One minute you're trying to leave me behind, and the next you're begging me to come with you!" "My bringing you back was a mistake." John walked behind her. "Man, I can't sit still for more than three minutes without crying! How could I possibly help her?" Judith bowed her head. "Please, just go away." He cupped his hand under her chin. "But you can help Carolyn. Minnelkin told me the complexity's effect can be temporarily displaced by strong emotions." "Oh, terrific. You mean I should burden her with my grief? Forget it. She's suffering enough already. And she'll suffer even more if you can take that ring off. Let the poor woman and me make a clean break of it." Judith pushed his hand away. "I didn't start it, I can't finish it, and I won't do it!" He shook her shoulders. "You'll come with us because you're her friend! If you stay here, we'll lose half the battle for Carolyn's individuality. Don't you see? The complexity integrates its hosts, the Lovoli, into itself. The Lovoli live both for the complexity and through it. Do you understand what I'm telling you?" I certainly did. The strange voices, the amber-eyed woman and the queer calmness now made sense. Closing my eyes, I could see their red-clad figures reaching out for me. To welcome a newfound part to the whole. I was tempted to let them. Freedom from sadness and loneliness meant more to my battered soul than I had ever cared to admit. In exchange for peace, however, I would lose my most fundamental part of myself: My identity. This price I was unwilling to pay. "You did this to me!" I beat my fists on John's back. "Why couldn't you admit you didn't know about the complexity? You told me just enough to make me put on the ring!" "That won't help anything!" Judith locked her arms around my waist. "Let her go," John said. "While she's angry, she isn't becoming part of the Lovoli." "Oh, God, what have I done to myself?" I leaned against her. I had brought this on myself for a few fleeting moments of passion. "We'll find a way to beat this thing, kid." She took me into the Conveyance and sat with me on the bed. I wondered how anyone could put up with me. I had no strength of will whatsoever. I had put on this ring to run away from my fears. How could I have been so foolish? "We don't think of you as a fool," said Oliva. Other Lovoli voices agreed with her. I didn't have the will to tell them to go away this time. Their whispers calmed my remorse until I felt hollow inside. "I'm all right," I said to Judith. "No, you're not." A pained look crossed her face. "Get some gumption, girl!" My cheek stung. Anger flared, which the voices squelched. Judith slapped me again. She called me a "two-timer" and said I had no loyalty for anyone. Anger sizzled with each word, only to be dampened before it blazed. After a few more slaps, I just stared at her. Not even my stinging cheeks could make my feelings return. The Lovoli were winning me over, and I could think of nothing to stop them. I was no longer sure that I wanted to try. "Stop it!" John grabbed her arm. "Tell me what to do, then!" "Calm down." He placed a hand on her shoulder, which she shrugged off. "Carolyn, Oppenheimer may have found a way to release you from the complexity." Might there be a reprieve for Carolyn Cooper? Hopefulness filled me. Ah, to have feeling again! I had to hang onto that with every ounce of my will. "He said your personality would have to be temporarily transferred into someone else, and your body allowed to go into an advanced death state. It's very risky." "I will do what must be done." I took their hands. "The only place that could possibly perform this procedure is my home world Tolis," John said. "We'll go there after we pick up Minnelkin on Shegulla." "'Tolis,' eh? If you're an alien, how come you look like a human being?" Judith asked. "Our races are related." "In what way?" she asked. He looked at her for a moment before answering. "A Tolisian is a twentieth century human being... After eight generations of genetic experimentation." "Experimentation for what? To get the right shade of grey in your eyes?" Judith's face wrinkled into an ugly frown. "Or to eliminate us ugly mugs?" John sighed. "Appearance had nothing to do with it. We were trying to increase longevity and intelligence. Along with the benefits came side effects, such as our cursed empathy." For the first time, Judith gave him a sympathetic look. "We developed ways to deal with it." He grinned humorlessly. "You're probably more 'empathic' to people than I am." He paused, then said, "We've arrived at Kamara Beach." Wind and rain battered John when he stepped from the Conveyance. A few moments later he ran inside, and the storm froze in mid-fury. "Minnelkin isn't here. Apparently, he got to the asteroid belt, but he never returned. For the moment, we'll have to assume that he's dead and the Mephistopheles is heading to Lovolus. Oppenheimer!" "Right here," said the monkey dog. "Can you pick up the Mephistopheles again?" Its tail wagged. "Start point is too far from here. But don't worry -- I got Lovolus' location from the complexity's data. I'll take us there at the closest possible time to this." Judith grabbed John's arm. "Wait a minute! Why are we going to 'Lovolus'? That ring must come off Carolyn right now!" "If Minnelkin is dead, it's because Mephistopheles killed him. If the computer kills the Lovoli, what do you think will happen to Carolyn?" A solid wall replaced the beach, then a subtropical landscape replaced the wall. John and Oppenheimer stared at each other in silent communication. "Judith," said the monkey dog. "We need your assistance." After they left the entrance hall, I stepped outside. The sweet smell of -- jabara filled my nostrils. Gentle songs from the climvaires and secalls entertained me as I tread the familiar pathway. I was home. "No," I told myself, "this is the complexity's home." I had lived in West Knoxville, Tennessee, hundreds of years ago. A familiar pathway twisted through the thick subtropical landscape. I could look down on myself from above. Turning, I faced a secall, which flew to my shoulder from its perch in the janala tree. In its eyes, my face held no color, yet I could see its brilliant red face and bright blue plume. "Greetings." The voice did not come from the bird. A small woman held her hands out to me. Even without the complexity's influence, I would have recognized Minnelkin's sister: She had his solemn brown eyes, fair skin and bulbous nose. She wore her blond hair, now down to her waist, in a single braid. Her Grecian style robe was made of a finely textured red cloth. A red string held her braid together. No smile of greeting moved her lips. Instead, her face held a deathly calm. The voices in my head questioned my pang of fear. "Hello, Oliva." I could see myself with the secall perched on my shoulder. "That part of us formerly known as 'Oliva' stands before you. The rest of the Present Living Community would like to share our history with you." I jumped away, which startled both Oliva and the secall. "I'm sorry, but I --" "We know of your desire to remain separate from the whole. It saddens us." She lowered her eyes. "That part of us formerly known as 'Oliva' felt the same way during her transformation. The method of separation was not known to her then." "Are you going to try to stop me?" A hint of a smile crossed her lips. "Of course not. Come, the Present Living Community would like to converse with you in your tongue." The "Present Living Community" existed in a large hallway that was built from native blue-grey stone and had red drapes made from the same material (pitopy) as Oliva's dress. Drapes were held open by polished silver rings. She didn't need to tell me that this was the one remaining building from an ancient colony. A group of Lovoli weaved on large looms. Even in their chores, their faces held the same calm expression. They worked with the precision of a finely tuned machine. No one spoke; they had no need for words. Another group picked fruit from a nearby clump of bushes. Work would be stopping soon, for the sun hung low in the sky. If I closed my eyes, I could see the complexity carvers and silver miners. The carvers worked carefully and methodically, for every piece of the complexity was precious. The silver refinery had been left here by the Tolisians. Some parts of the Lovoli were resting. Others made jewelry that was traded to off-worlders. The drapes' silver rings were the only ornamentation in what was now a Spartan meeting hall. Although the Lovoli kept their home in good repair, its barren walls spoke to me of times when outsiders had pillaged this place. The Elder of the Present Living Community met us at the dining circle. Her long, white hair was braided in the same simple style as everyone else's. She looked up at me with amber eyes. A younger version of her had ignited my passion for Judith. "Lavala," I said. "It is good to touch you at last." She stroked my hair. "That part of us formerly known as 'Xanien' couldn't stand with us today. He has passed into Memory." That meant he had died. She did not need to tell me that she and her husband had come here seventy years earlier on an archeological expedition, nor did she need to say that they chose to become Lovoli. To them, the oneness of the complexity perfectly expressed their love for each other. Lavala and Xanien would be together for all time. "Carolyn!" Judith struggled in the grip of a strong Lovoli, whose name eluded me. Another held John. "I am Greistolon of Tolis," said John. "And this is Judith Wilcox." Lavala touched Judith's chin. "We know why you have come. Please forgive those parts of us formerly known as 'Piedre' and 'Taminon.' As long as you do not struggle, we will not hurt you." "Why are you holding them?" I asked. "We believe your fear of us lies in ignorance." Lavala faced me. "It is time for you to remember the history of all the Lovoli that ever were." "Don't let them con you, kid!" Judith strained against Piedre's hold. "That is why we must restrain you." Lavala laid her hands on Judith's shoulders. "You must not interfere." Fear crept into me. I ran past the jewelers into nearby fruit bushes. Prickly branches ripped my jumpsuit and skin. Letting pain drive me onward, I didn't stop until I was outside the silver mine. Miners had stopped for the evening. Even though I had no idea what I was looking for, I rummaged through their tools. I found a cutting laser. Would the complexity's influence stop if I separated it from my body? I had tried once before to cut off the ring. This time, I would cut off my whole hand. I laid my arm on the flatbed cart. Now, I had only to aim the laser and to press the button. The other hand refused to cooperate. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't operate the laser. It finally clattered to the ground. No tears came to my weary eyes while I sat on the flatbed cart. John's voice spoke somewhere in the distance. Closing my eyes, I could see Lavala and him engaging in conversation. His attempts at reason were not convincing her. "Even now she sees through our eyes," Lavala said. "After she sees our history, she will come into our fold of her own free will. You cannot change what was meant to be." John cut short Judith's bitter remark. "This was not an informed choice for her. Every time you force her to remember something or to see through your eyes, she loses another piece of her individuality." "Is it better to be alone?" Lavala opened his jumpsuit to lay her hands on his bare chest. "To never be closer to another person, especially your lover, than this? To never fully be able to understand her thoughts? Why do you value that loneliness so much?" "Why do you value your intrusive 'oneness' so much? We Tolisians accidentally gave ourselves something similar to it. We can feel others' emotions. There have been many times when the descendants of the Experiments longed for isolation, even if it meant living much shorter lives. How many 'parts' of the Lovoli feel that way now? Can you truthfully say that everyone who has integrated into the complexity wanted that fate?" "Some of us could accept only after we understood our history." Oliva walked up to me. "That part of us formerly known as 'Oliva' was one, and that part of us still known as 'Carolyn' is another." "I don't want to lose myself," I said. "You make it sound so wrong." She held her hands out to me. "To not become part of us is wrong because we know it is meant to be." I let her help me off the flatbed cart. "Oliva, Minnelkin was so hurt by your transformation, he chased John through time and space. Mephistopheles is crazy with your brother's hate. How can that be right?" "It is neither right nor wrong. It simply is," she said. "Come, let us go back to the Present Living Community and our friends." At the meeting hall, John was still trying to convince Lavala to let me go. "We can separate her at great risk to her life. If there is a way to involuntarily free her, surely you must be able to do so voluntarily." Judith could no longer hold her silence. "Don't you get it, John Boy? Letting Carolyn go is contrary to their survival! Every sucker they con into putting on a ring helps perpetuate the damn complexity." Lavala looked at me. "You are part of us now. The sooner you accept that, the better for everyone." "That choice should be hers!" "Carolyn made the choice when she put on the ring, dear Judith. You above all should be grateful to the Lovoli. If not for us, she would never have shared herself with you." "Excuse me," John interrupted. "Oppenheimer tells me that the Mephistopheles is now in parking orbit around Lovolus." "Our brother!" Oliva stepped forward. "We -- I must know what has happened to him." Her brown eyes narrowed with pain that shot through my head as well. "Stop struggling within us," Lavala told her quietly. "Of course we shall go to the Mephistopheles with Greistolon." With Lavala's words, my pain faded. "That is not a good idea," said John. "Mephistopheles hates you." "That part of us formerly known as 'Oliva' must see Minnelkin's fate for ourselves," Lavala said. "And we will not stand aside while outsiders decide our fate. We are not as weak as you might believe." I knelt beside Oliva, whose pain had driven her to her knees. "You can separate yourself from them, can't you?" "I can shield myself for short times. I'll always be a part..." She collapsed into my arms. "The part has returned to the whole," said Lavala. "Oh, stop it!" These people did not care who was hurt by joining them as long as they got new "parts" for their community. They could have freed Oliva. They could free me. "Atta girl, Carolyn!" Judith managed to jump up and down in spite of Piedre's hold on her. "Stay pissed!" The Lovoli's voices filled my mind while their hands touched my body. They whispered comforting thoughts that whittled my anger away. I was hollow again. Lavala reached down to me. A new peacefulness washed through me, and my mind opened to receive the images of a space nebula. "Hey, dudes!" Judith's boisterous voice shattered the picture. "What about the big, bad computer up there? You can't be caught fucking around if it decides to incinerate you. So, how's about bein' a good little community mindfuck and let us save your worthless asses?" "We are ready to go." Oliva stood up. "Come on." John took my arm. "We're going to the Mephistopheles in the Conveyance." "Carolyn will stay here." Lavala took my other arm. "Either she goes, or we let Mephistopheles use his weapon on you." Judith freed herself from Piedre. "Because I, for one, am tired of screwing around with you people." "If we die, she dies," replied Lavala. "Oh, yeah?" Judith pulled a pistol from a holster under her pant leg. "If she's about to be turned into a Lovoli, then I'll put her out of her misery right here and right now!" She aimed it at me. "Once she becomes part of you, she's no longer Carolyn, right? And then she'll suffer the same way Oliva does. I won't let it happen!" "Judith, what are you --" John interrupted me. "Yes, it would be better to let you die than to let the Lovoli take your mind. Besides, Lavala, if her transformation is so 'inevitable,' what are you afraid of?" "The parts of the complexity have no fear." She let me go. John, Oliva, Judith and I walked back to the Conveyance. "Judith," I asked, "would you really have shot me?" "With this?" She pointed the gun at a bush and pulled the trigger. A stream of water struck the center of a broad leaf. "It's my favorite costume prop."