Stargazer
by Karen D. Morton
Copyright 1989 by  Karen D. Morton. All rights reserved.

Chapter 10

1987
     "Skating awaaaaay!  On the thin ice of the new daaaaaaay!" 
I covered my ears as I rolled off the couch.  My sleep had been
sporadic at best, and Judith's audio system blasted away what little I
had hoped to get this morning.  In the kitchen, Judith and Paul
waltzed across the floor.  Teri poured tomato sauce into the crock
pot.  It was strange how the art of slow cooking had become a
"modern convenience."
     "Thank you, beautiful lady."  Paul bowed to Judith.
     Laughing, she curtsied.  "Of course, Carolyn thinks we've
lost our minds."
     "The day before a con is always like this."  Teri stopped the
tape.  I hoped she wouldn't play another.  "What about practice for
the lip sync?" she asked.
     "I have to do a facial at nine and a manicure at eleven. 
Sammy told me last night he'll take the afternoon off."  Paul slipped
on his jacket.  "What time do you want to meet?"
     Teri called from the kitchen.  "I'll be tied up with the art
show 'til two."
     "Make it three."  Judith glanced at me.  "We're going to be
busy."
     After breakfast, she drove to the University of Tennessee
campus.  Cumberland Avenue had changed drastically since 1895. 
Homes and apartment houses had been replaced with larger
buildings and garishly colored shops.  In fact, the University now
covered nearly the whole street!  So many people walked about, I
wondered how they all could possibly be students.
     The red brick library building looked like someone had
carelessly stacked gigantic crates and laid brick around them.  A
group of students ran down marble steps past us.  Inside, chrome
banisters gleamed against grey and white marble.  A helpful clerk,
whose head was half shaved, told us we could find books with the
library's computer system, in "Reference" on the second floor. 
Judith typed several subjects into the terminal before we found a
biography on Linda Williams.
     We arrived at "the stacks," and Judith led me through a
confusing maze of bookshelves.  I had never before seen so many
volumes in one place.  How could the librarians ever find things in
here?  A book-less library like the one on the Conveyance would
have made information retrieval faster.  We went through many
similarly numbered shelves until we reached the correct set of
biographies.  Linda's biography lay on the second shelf from the top. 
I read the first paragraph: "Linda Williams (nee:  Linda Carver,
1891-1962) was born in West Knoxville, Tennessee."
     I had still been with Frederick when Victoria Carver, who
was both with child and unmarried, came to live with us.  Mother
continually lectured me about how I could end up the same way if
he didn't marry me.  Victoria ran away right after Linda was born. 
On this the biographer was accurate:
     "Abandoned by her unwed mother at a boarding house
owned by Mrs. Annabelle Jane Williams Fisher, she grew up under
the steady but loving influence of the black housekeeper, Eliza
Hannah Brown."
     My eyes filled with tears.  Eliza's influence on me had been
loving, too.  If not for her, I would have been completely lost in my
despair.  I wished I could go back and say goodbye to her.  Judith
gave me a puzzled look.  To avoid her eyes, I returned to Linda's
biography:
     "In the boarding house, Eliza told the growing child many
interesting stories, which would later be turned into Mrs. Williams'
most famous paintings.  One of the most intriguing stories involved
the disappearance of Carolyn Cooper in 1895."

The name by itself wouldn't be enough to convince Judith of my
identity.  I flipped to the photographs.  There were pictures of Linda
at various ages, some taken with her husband and children.  Others
showed reproductions of her paintings.  On the last page, I found a
photograph of Mrs. Fisher and her boarders.  The caption read: 
"The occupants of Mrs. Fisher's boarding house in 1894 (back to
front, left to right):  Anthony Cromley, Ebenezer Cooper, Eddie
Cooper, Carolyn Cooper, Annabelle Fisher, Nora Cooper, Linda
Carver."
     "Find anything?"  Judith asked.
     I pushed the open book across the table to her.  She frowned
at the page for a few seconds before pushing the book back at me.
     "So?  It's a picture of a bunch of people."
     "Look again."  I pushed it back to her.  "Closely."
     This time, she studied the picture for a moment.  She looked
up at me, then down at the photograph.  "This isn't a very good
reproduction."
     "Judith!"
     She put her finger to her lips.  "Tell me about 'Carolyn
Cooper.'"
     "I left Mrs. Fisher's boarding house on June 18, 1895."
     "Just a minute."  She flipped through several pages.  "Who
waved goodbye?"
     "No one knew I was leaving, not even I, until I met with
John in South Knoxville.  You see, I was afraid he was dead since I
shot him the night before."
     She read for a few moments.  "This book doesn't talk about
a shooting. Or 'John.'"
     "Eddie and Eliza would never have told anyone.  They
thought I shot Frederick, but he hung himself --"
     "Enough."  Judith held up her hands.  "You say you came
from 1895, right?  So prove it."
     "It would take some time to go through the county records."
     "I was thinking more in terms of newspaper articles."  She
rose.  "I'll be back."
     I read Linda's biography while I waited.  She had started
with crude drawings of Mr. Cromley, Eddie and other people when
she was four years old.  Yes, I had often scolded her for scribbling
on my stationery.  Her earliest colored chalk drawing was of Mother
in her coffin.  Some critics believed that Linda's early experiences
with death (Paw and Mr. Cromley in 1895, Mother in 1897 and
Mrs. Fisher in 1900) added a sad element to her work.
     In 1901, Eddie married Priscilla Harris.  A gawky girl with
strawberry blond braids came to mind.  The Harris family had been
members of our church.  By 1895, Priscilla had quit school and
started working at the shoe factory.  The eleven year old girl I
recalled seemed to have no interest in boys.  Then, so many things
probably changed during those six years.  I almost regretted not
being there.  Eddie and Priscilla adopted Linda and changed her
surname to Cooper.  They sent Linda to art school in 1902.
     Her earliest paintings, including "Star Gazer" (painted in
1914), centered around stories about her childhood and the boarding
house, which Eddie had inherited from Mrs. Fisher.  Although "Star
Gazer" won her recognition from the art world in 1915, she didn't
move to New York until after Eliza's death in 1922.  By that time,
she had already married Harlan Williams and given birth to her first
child, Beatrice.
     "Okay, I'm back."  Judith sat across from me.  She held
several sheets of paper to her chest.  "We're going to play twenty
questions."
     I told her, as nearly as I could remember, what the
newspaper had said about Frederick's death.  The blood, horror and
fear seemed so unreal now.  If she hadn't found the newspaper story
about it, I would have convinced myself that I had imagined it. 
After five questions, she reopened the book to the photographs. 
Placing her hand over the caption, she slid the book in front of me. 
She had chosen Linda's painting of the boarding house exterior.
     "Where is this house located?"
     "At the corner of Laurel and Sixth."
     "Look, there's no reason to go on with this.  'Fraid I'm too
much of a cynic."  She closed the book.  "Carolyn Cooper's
disappearance made page one of the local papers.  I did a cross
check, and it was picked up by every paper within 500 miles of
Knoxville before the week was out.  Miss Cooper's disappearance
also inspired at least ten 'detective story' articles, a couple of books
and a stage play.  You could have come across any of that stuff
before you lost your memory."
     "I have never lost my memory."  I leaned across the table. 
"As God is my witness, I am speaking the truth!  What will it take to
convince you?"
     "Produce 'John.'"
     "If he were here, I wouldn't be!"
     "Let's go before we get thrown out for making too much
noise."  I finally caught up with her outside.  After being here for
over three weeks, the city's noises didn't disorient me so much.
     "Judith, please try to understand!  John can't come back right
now because of the anti-paradox circuit on the Conveyance."  I
grabbed her arm.  "I need your help!  I think Mrs. Fisher's house
might still be standing on Laurel Avenue.  If so, then I need to find
it.  Please."
     "All right.  Get in the car."  She unlocked my door.  We rode
in silence until she turned onto Laurel Avenue.  We passed street
after street, but many of the houses were too new.  Businesses had
been built on parts of the street.  When we reached the corner of
Fifteenth and Laurel, I cried out.
     The house still stood!  Two of the chimneys were gone,
along with the trees in the front yard and the railing that had
connected the front and side porches.  The roof tiles were darker,
and iron ornaments that had once decorated the roof were gone. 
The iron fence had rusted some with the passage of time, and a sign
reading "Laurel Terrace" hung on the front porch.
     The driver behind us blew his horn.  "Hey, lady!  What are
ya waitin' for, a sign from God?"
     "You into signs?  Read this!"  Judith stuck her middle finger
out the window.  Moments later, she circled the block and parked in
front of the house.
     "You sure it's the same place?  It looks different from the
painting."  She gestured to a sign someone had sprayed on the
broken edge of the sidewalk.  It read, "Dead heads park here."
     "Ninety-two years is a long time."  I gripped the cold iron
fence.  "Eddie and I used to play here...."  Mrs. Fisher's swing had
been removed from the side porch.  The stable house was gone, too.
     "Okay, so you've got memories attached to the place.  That
doesn't necessarily mean they're yours."
     "Why is it easier for you to believe that I'm insane than to
believe I'm telling the truth?"
     "Insanity happens.  Time travel doesn't."  She walked back
to her automobile.
     "Judith, what has happened to you?  First, you tell me that
you trust me, and then when I finally tell you the truth about myself,
you tell me I'm insane!"
     "Are you coming or not?"  How could someone who had
seemed kind-hearted turn so cold? "Your choice, kid."
     A pang shot through my heart.  In spite of her cruelty, I still
cared about her.  I turned away so I wouldn't have to watch her
leave.  An eternity later, I turned back.  She hadn't even started the
motor.  She obviously wanted me to go home with her, and I went
because I had no place else to go.
     Houses that had stood down the street were replaced by a
rectangular, orange-yellow building.  A blue dumpster sat off to one
side.  Someone had written "HEI SHA IT" in crude block letters and
drawn a heart in pink.  On the parking lot, someone else had painted
"Kill Restless Pigs."
     "Yeah, college students sure know how to take care of a
neighborhood."  Judith shook her head.  As we went downhill
toward Eleventh Avenue, a large, golden globe peeked above the
bare tree branches.
     "Jake's phallic symbol," Judith muttered.  "And to think
people hoped the Fair would revitalize downtown.  Huh!"  When I
asked for an explanation, she said, "Don't get me started.  I've had
five years to put it out of my mind."
     On Eleventh Avenue, a group of apartment houses from my
time had been converted into an "artists colony."  They had painted
the buildings in pastel pink, yellow and green.  At least the artists at
Teri's barn had improved their quarters! At Highland, we passed by
more of my former neighbors' houses.  Some yards were overgrown
with dying weeds, and those houses looked like a stiff breeze could
blow them over.  I was sorry I had returned here.
     When she drove onto the interstate, she finally broke the
tense silence between us.  "I can be a real asshole sometimes."
     I wanted her to apologize and say that she believed me.
     "You probably hoped that I'd swallow off on your story --"
     "I have told you the truth, Judith!"
     "Will you let me finish?"  She dug her thumbnail into the
steering wheel.  "I want to believe you, but I can't.  You see, I've
always viewed everything, especially science fiction, with a jaded
eye.  o many people claim to have fantastic things happen to them."
She took a deep breath before she spoke again.  "To come face to
face with the possibility that time travel -- something that everyone
'knows' is impossible -- happened to someone close to me is more
than I can handle!"
     I wished I could take off the seat belt so I could curl up in
my seat.
     "I apologize for the way I acted." She bought sandwiches at
a delicatessen and took them home.  I didn't say anything else, or
even look at her, until we ate.  I tried to push an increasing burn
from my ring finger out of my mind.
     "Judith, I would rather stay home this weekend."
     She poured water in the coffee maker.  "Nobody is going to
force you to go anywhere."
     My finger seared.  The pain spread slowly past my wrist.  A
new woman's voice spoke inside my mind:  "Our brother is close to
you now."
     "Wake up!"  Judith snapped her fingers in front of my face.
     "Stop doing that!"  I retreated to the living room couch.
     The now familiar voice spoke to me again:  "Her concern for
us is that of a dear friend.  We would be happy to have her."
     Who were "we", and why did they want Judith?  My finger
felt like it would fall off.  I gouged the ring with my fingernails. 
Needles of pain made their way up my neck. Another voice spoke in
my head: "Reach out to her.  Show her our past."
     "I can't!"
     "You can't do what?  Hey, what are you doing to yourself?" 
Judith grabbed my hands.  Blood ran down the back of my ring
hand.  My whole body, my mind broiled.  I let the voices stop my
pain --
     -- I found myself in the storage room on the Conveyance,
laying beside the Lovolus crystal.  The woman with amber eyes was
inside. The crystal grew larger, until it surrounded me.  A whole
group of people surrounded me as well. They touched me.
     "That part of us formerly known as Carolyn.  Welcome."
     The woman with amber eyes was also part of us.  Together,
we peered through the crystal as Judith picked it up.  Her expression
betrayed her fear.  We wanted to tell her to be not afraid, but she
was not part of us yet.  We reached for her.
     "Stop this mind fucking right now!"  With a sharp slap,
Judith returned us to her living room.  Only the scabbing scratches
on my ring finger hurt.  She ran into the kitchen.  After noisily
searching the cabinets and the refrigerator, she chopped something
loudly.
     Something hit the front door from outside.  I jumped back. 
Something hit it again.  This time, a man cried out.  The door shook
violently.
     "Go dial '911,' Carolyn!"  Holding a butcher knife, Judith ran
to the doorway. "Tell them to send the police!"
     As I reached for the telephone receiver, I noticed that my
ring blinked.  "Open the door, Judith!  John is out there."
     The door shook violently again.
     "You want it open, you do it!"  She stood poised with the
knife.  "But call the cops first.  Hey!  I said --"
     I barely dodged John and Minnelkin as they fell onto the
living room floor.  The blinking crystal rolled toward Judith.
     "Break it up!"  She stomped her foot inches from Minnelkin's
head.  Startled, he and John looked up.  "Would you two mind
getting the rest of the way in here and closing the door before my
neighbors call the police?"  She tossed the crystal to me. "So, one of
these assholes is probably your precious 'John.' Who is the other
guy?"
     "Carolyn calls me by that name," said John. "I apologize for
all this, but Minnelkin attacked me in your front yard. Is there any
way I can repay you for taking care of her? Because we need to
leave."
     "Now, wait just a minute," Judith said. "You can't just show
up and --"
     A foreign phrase from Minnelkin interrupted her.  He shook
his head, started to speak, then buried his face in his hands.
     "He's mad!"  John stood up.  "He tried to kill me.  My
weapon rolled into a ditch.  I couldn't even stun him."
     Judith folded her arms.  "So you decided to break my door
down instead.  How nice."
     "It was not intentional, I assure you. I can compensate you." 
After setting several gold coins on her knick-knack shelf, John
turned to me.  "Are you ready to leave?"
     As I looked at Judith, an urgency built up inside me.  She
had knowledge that would make our travels interesting to her.  She
would enjoy relaxing on Kamara Beach, and might even suggest
other places to visit.  I was not going to leave behind my only friend
in this time.
     "Why don't you come with us?" I asked.
     "You mean walk away from my life just like that?  No way." 
Her gaze shifted to John. "And you can shove your goddamned
money up your ass. You and your friend here just get the hell out of
my house!"
     Before John could reply, Minnelkin leaped up and grabbed
the knife from her hand.  He put it to her throat.  "Carolyn goes
nowhere!"
     Judith blanched.  "Uh, buddy, could we discuss this?"
     He ignored her.  "Carolyn, come with me to -- to --"
     "Minnelkin, Judith has done nothing to hurt you!"  I stepped
toward him.
     "Stay away from him!"  John shoved me onto the sofa.  "If
you wish to vent your anger, then take it out on me."
     "You.  Stay.  Back."  Minnelkin tightened his grip on Judith. 
"Carolyn come with me, or I kill woman!"
     "Judith. 'Judy,' if you insist.  The least you can do is get my
name right before you kill me."
     "Let us talk about this."  John struggled to keep calm.
     "Our brother," said the woman's voice.  "He needs our help." 
But what could I do to stop this madness?
     "I talk, but you not listen."  Minnelkin looked at me. 
"Carolyn..."  He shook his head.  "You must go with me."
     "You didn't tell me you were in the middle of a goddamn
love triangle," Judith said. "Or do I make it a fucking square?"
     "Our brother," said the woman's voice.  "Help him."
     "How?" I whispered.
     "Let us speak through you," she replied.
     "You keep quiet," Minnelkin said to Judith.
     John frowned with concentration.  I followed his gaze to
Minnelkin's hand.  It was shaking. Judith grabbed his wrist to steady
it; otherwise, the blade would bite into her throat.
     I was the only one who could stop this madness, so I let the
woman use my voice: "Kenny, you are not going to murder an
innocent person!  Put that knife down right now!"
     Minnelkin stared at me for a moment.  "Oliva... No..."  He
sank onto the floor, with the knife hitting the carpet beside him.
     "This time, I mean business." Judith retreated to the kitchen
doorway.  "I want the three of you to get out of my house, right
now. Before I call the police."
     John picked up the knife.  "You have nothing more to fear."
     "Get out!"  Her face turned purple.  "I don't have to take this
shit from anybody!"
She needed someone to hold her.
     "Don't."  John blocked my path.  "Her anger is justified.  We
should leave."
     "No!"  Minnelkin lunged at John.  They struggled until
Minnelkin cried out.  He grabbed at a gash in his shoulder and ran
out the front door.
     "Damn it!"  Judith ran to the door.  "He'll bleed to death!"
     "Wait!"  John grabbed her arm.  "Following him is not wise."
     "Look, John Boy, that poor slob is a human being who is
hurt!"
     Minnelkin stumbled in her front yard.
     "I'm taking him to the hospital, and that's final!"  She helped
him into her automobile.  Tires squealed as she backed into the
street.  After being threatened with a knife, she reached out to ease
someone else's pain.  I wondered if I would have shown such
compassion under the same circumstances.
     The living room clock read 2:35 pm.  "Paul and Teri will be
home in a few minutes.  What will we tell them?"
     "Others live here?  Did you tell them about the
Conveyance?"
     "No. Just Judith."
     "We need to go, quickly."  John took the crystal from me.
     "But they'll see this blood and think that something happened
to Judith!  Paul will be worried sick."
     "That is not my concern."  John's eyes glazed over.
     "For someone who knows other's feelings, you can be most
insensitive!"
     "My people developed calluses, Carolyn.  It was the only
way we can survive emotional bombardment.  Even so, I can only
take so much..."  A helpless look crossed his face. "I must leave. 
Please, come with me."
     It had never occurred to me that he might have limits.  I
imagined what it was like to feel other people's emotions.  Poor
John suffered constantly.  No wonder he was short on patience and
temper.  Someday, he might grow impatient with me.  Did I still
want to go with him?  I had longed for his return for weeks.  Letting
him go now meant I'd be trapped in 1987 Knoxville for the rest of
my life.  In spite of my feelings of friendship toward Judith and her
roommates, I would always long to be with John.
     "Yes, I want to come with you."  I slipped my arms around
his waist.  "I love you.  Let me leave Judith a note."
     I wrote the first words that came to mind:  "Judith, John and
I had to leave.  Thank you for your kindness and friendship.  You'll
always hold a special place in my heart.  Carolyn."

Time Unknown
     The Conveyance's entry hall was the same as before, except
the second wall was solid.  I numbly followed John to our bedroom.
     John asked only,  "Are you angry?"
     After being left to my own devices for three weeks in a
strange place and wondering whether or not my memories of him
were real, he wanted to know if I was angry?  Yet, did I have the
right to blame him for what had happened?  I did not understand
how the Conveyance worked.  For all I knew, Oppenheimer might
not have warned him about the upcoming paradox.  And since John
probably didn't speak English during his first visit, he couldn't really
know what those dates were.  In spite of it all, I made out all right,
thanks to Judith.
     The thought of leaving her with only a small note as my
"goodbye" was more than I could bear.  She would never forgive me
for deserting her.  I answered John's question with a sob.  He put his
arms around me, whispered comforting words, and rocked me until I
fell asleep.
     After a breakfast of exotic fruits, we strolled on Kamara
Beach and made plans for our future.  He wanted to select our next
destination. "I'll order the medical unit to implant a translator so
you'll know the local language.  The Conveyance would also be able
to keep track of you with it."  He lay on the blanket.  "You'll also be
able to communicate telepathically with Oppenheimer and me.  Then
there is the disguise function...  Nicholas' race was very clever."
     "You cannot travel with him anymore, Carolyn," said
another woman's voice.  Searing pain rapidly swept up my arm to
my head.
     "I will go where I want to go!"  I desperately clawed at the
ring. "You've tortured me enough!"
     "Carolyn, what are you doing?"  He pulled on the ring,
which remained glued to my burning hand.
     "You must come to Lovolus," insisted the woman in my
head.
     "But I want to stay with John!"
     "That cannot be helped now, child.  The part must be
integrated into the whole."  A hundred voices repeated that phrase
until they fell out of unison.
     "The part.  The whole!"  I could feel them, all around me. 
So many voices in my head screamed, I couldn't make out what they
said.  A grey, soupy fog covered everything.  After carrying me
inside the Conveyance, John called out to Oppenheimer.  The
monkey dog sniffed at the ring, then it frowned.  Its forehead's
furrows reflected in a thickening greyness.
     "Access the file on the crystal of Lovolus and tell me how to
get the ring off her finger."  John spoke through a distant tunnel. 
The fog darkened into blackness.  A million hands touched me
everywhere, inside and out.  After a time, they extinguished the
flame.  The voices fell silent.  A bright light blinded me.  After my
eyes adjusted, I found myself lying inside a metallic coffin.  John had
never before shown me his "medical unit."
     Outside, Oppenheimer stood on top of John.  "There are too
many missing entries from my data!"  It bared its teeth.  "I want to
know why."