Stargazer
by Karen D. Morton
Copyright 1989 by Karen D. Morton. All rights reserved.

Chapter 8
1987

     "Mrs. Williams said in an interview that this painting, 'Star
Gazer,' was based on something that happened when she was a little
girl."  Teri stroked its wood frame.  "Isn't it something?  If Paul
could whip up a dress like that, we could have a live display to go
with the art show."
     Judith had told me about a famous painter named "Luanne
Williams."  I hadn't realized she was Linda Carver until now.  How
could she have known how I looked?  She was only four years old
when I left with John, yet there I sat beside an old telescope on this
canvas.  Mrs. Fisher had once taken everyone at the boarding house
to get our photograph made.  That must have been how Linda knew
my face.  Eliza probably told her the rest, and somehow my
newfound interest in astronomy became my hobby in Linda's
imagination.
     "Oh, John, you said my leaving wouldn't affect anybody." 
That thought returned me to the Conveyance.

Time Unknown
     "If you were someone important to your planet's history,
then the Conveyance wouldn't let me bring you aboard."  He poured
water into a crystal glass.  The spare room had been converted into
a dining room.  We sat at a mahogany table.  Luxurious drapes lined
the walls, except for the one that held cabinets, and we ate from fine
bone china with silver forks and spoons.  He served a generous meal
of vegetables with potatoes and bread.  To take a completely
prepared meal from those cabinets still amazed me.  Even our salad
bowls were made of silver.  I felt as rich as Mrs. Vanderbuilt.
     "Where will we go?"  My light gown was spun from the
finest silk.  My sapphire necklace was found in the "storage room."
There were many other very fine things buried among that junk, and
it would take me years to sort through it all.
     "Where would you like to go?"
     "Anywhere."
     He sipped from his cup.  "Let's see.  I envisage a nice, quiet
beach with stars shining overhead.  Someplace where no one will
bother us."  He leaned back and closed his eyes.  After several
minutes, I placed my hand under his nose.  His shallow breath barely
stirred the hairs on the back of my fingers.
     The monkey dog lay unmoving on its chair.  Was I to be the
only person about?
     "What do you want?"  Its eyes locked onto mine.
     "Nothing."  I turned away.
     "You really shouldn't be afraid of me."
     "I'm not afraid!  I just don't know your name."
     "Oppenheimer."  Its tail tapped the chair.  "After an
appropriately nasty character in the history of your planet."
     "But Oppenheimer sounds like a nice name."
     "Hitler, McCarthy and Clinton were also 'nice' names."  It
bared its teeth with a beastly grin.  "Would you like to exercise your
brain? I think you should. You can't remain ignorant forever,
especially if you insist on tagging long.  I've programmed the 'library'
to follow your verbal orders.  It will output in 'English.'  You can
follow any chain of information you want.  You'll learn much faster
from the library than from any other method."  Before leaving me
alone, it added, "Pay attention.  There will be a quiz at the end of the
session."

1987
     "Don't you think that's a good idea, Carolyn?"  Paul tapped
my shoulder.  "I could dress up like the shadowed figure and you
could pose on a blanket."
     "I don't know."  I wished he would stop disturbing my
memories.  I didn't want to lose them again.
     "It'll give us something to do after Xanadu.  There won't be
another con 'til January."
     "Ms. Pauley says we could probably borrow a replica of that
telescope from the planetarium, or maybe the McClung Museum." 
Teri smiled.  "And I can paint the backdrop.  It'll be great!"
     "If that's what you want..."  My gaze returned to the
painting, and my thoughts returned to the Conveyance.

Time Unknown
     The library taught me American history of the 20th century: 
Two world-wide wars, "atomic" weapons, vaccines for polio and
other diseases.  Cholera and influenza epidemics were almost yearly
occurrences that had killed many people in my time.  Cholera
disappeared, and influenza became a mostly minor annoyance.  The
invention of radio, television, computers and satellites increased the
speed of communications.  Even "fax machines" and "electronic
mail" nearly replaced good ole Postal Service, which itself was
overtaken by a private company.  Something called a "personal
computer," followed by "the Internet," put information once
reserved for bureaucrats into the hands of ordinary people. The rate
of change increased with every decade.  We finally stepped into
space in the late 1950's.  The following decade saw violent upheaval,
war protests, and a long-awaited movement for equality by colored
people, especially in the South. By the 1990's changes were being
cited too fast for me to follow, so I asked for a new subject.
     Women gained freedom and citizenship unheard of in my
day.  A Constitutional amendment granted them suffrage in the
1920's.  After a period of equal opportunity to help the war effort in
the 1940's, they were once again restricted to home and hearth. 
Granted, taking care of their homes became easier with automatic
"appliances" and "convenience" foods; however, a woman with an
occupation other than teacher was a rarity until the 1970's.
     Another "program track" spoke about American sexuality. 
The church kept a tight grip on people's morality for many years. 
There were decades of aberrant behavior, such as the 1920's and the
1940's (one due to "Prohibition" and the other due to war);
however, no one declared a "sexual revolt" until the 1960's.  In the
1980's, two new -- and deadly -- sexual diseases forced many to give
up decadent behavior.  The computer said that was all the
information it had on sexuality in the 1980's.  I decided to take my
quiz.
     "Why would 'Oppenheimer' care about my education?"  I
stretched as John walked into the library.
     "Because I asked him to."  John sat beside me.
     "I love the way this system teaches.  I can find out as much
as I want about any subject before I move on."
     "I think your race invented something similar to this.  They
called it 'hypermedia.'  Meanwhile, I've been doing some searching
of my own.  For the beach."  His arm slipped around my shoulders. 
"And I've finally found a perfect place."
     "Good!  We'll need a blanket."  I raced to the cluttered
storage room.  A highboy and a low dresser were filled with the
strangest trinkets I had ever seen.  Many capes, dresses, hats and
other clothes were draped on a stuffed chair that was covered with
red velvet.  Its wood was finely carved, and gold leafing filled
hollow spaces.  A tarnished brass suit of armor stood next to the
chair.  A shield made of a clear material was on its crooked arm.  A
staff with a hollow point and a broad bottom was on its other arm. 
A rectangular stand held a large, green globe.   Next to that was a
golden framed mirror whose top touched the ceiling.  My lace
parasol leaned against it.  Another chest of drawers had its top
covered with queer objets d'art and weapons.  In this chest was the
blanket we had used for the picnic.
     "Slow down!"  He stopped in the doorway.  "I didn't realize
you were so eager to get there."
     "I've been sitting for hours."  I rummaged through the
bottom drawer.  "And we've been cooped up in here forever."
     "I wanted to find the perfect place."
     When I pulled out the blanket, a large crystal rolled onto the
floor.  It had a band of tarnished silver connected to one end.  This
band held four chains, three of which were bare.  A ring made of the
same crystal was connected to the fourth chain.
     John picked it up.  "I thought I traded that in the Triangle."
     "What is it?"
     "Nicholas said it was a crystal from 'Lovolus,' I think.  He
said something about the rings relieving fears and anxieties."  He put
it back in the drawer.
     "Who is Nicholas?"
     "He gave me the Conveyance.  Now, would you like to have
a picnic on the beach?"
     "I'm still stuffed after that feast."  I put the blanket on a
table.  "I just want to go outside."
     He slipped his arm around my waist.  "I felt the same way
when I first came here."

1987
     "Come along, Stargazer."  Paul tapped my shoulder.  "Teri
told me about something I need to discuss with Judith." His
automobile's engine groaned in my ears.  Closing my eyes, I could
hear ocean waves crash into Kamara Beach.

Time Unknown
     John took my hand as we strolled along the shoreline.  A
gentle breeze tasted like salt.  My loose, white dress stopped at my
knees, but bare legs no longer embarrassed me.  John wore a white
shirt and short pants.  The sun dipped into the ocean, which painted
the clouds with bands of red and pink.
     "What are you thinking about?"
     "This would make a beautiful painting.  Two people in white
in front of a colorful sunset."  My toes squished the wet and warm
sand.
     "That's a sunrise, Carolyn."
     "Why do they call this Kamara Beach?"  Short bushes and
long grass grew behind the sandy area.  Across the long field of
grass, I could see tall trees in the distance.  Ocean birds called to one
another with gentle songs.  We were the only people in sight.
     Looking back at the ocean, I saw the mast of a large sailing
ship disappear over the horizon.  Whoever lived near "Kamara
Beach" had not yet discovered the power of steam.
     "I don't know."  He pulled me toward the surf.  "Let's take a
swim!"
     I laughed too hard to resist.  A wave crashed overhead.  Salt
water filled my nose and mouth.  It stung, unlike the fresh water
Eddie and I had swum in as children.  John pulled me to the surface
before I could panic.  He held me up for the next wave, which
crashed over my head anyway.  I spat a mouthful of salty water at
him.  Playfully, he tossed a handful back at me.  I saw the next wave
coming, so I tread water.  After a while, we returned to the beach.
     I stretched out under the mid-morning sun.  "I should have
brought the blanket."
     "A little sand won't hurt you."  He lay next to me. 
"Sometimes, the universe is beautiful."
     "This place certainly is."  I closed my eyes and listened to the
surf.  The waves' rhythm soothed me; the warm, soft sand molded
around my body.  My mind drifted toward sleep although I remained
aware of everything around me:  John, the ocean, the sea breeze. 
Somewhere in the distance a bird whistled a strange tune.
     John's fingers lightly stroked my neck and shoulders.  His
strokes became soft kisses.  A flush swept over me.  I wanted to
throw my arms around his neck and let him take me.  At the same
time, I knew better than to give in to my sinful lust.  We still were
not married.  His kisses moved over my chin to my lips.  My body
betrayed me.  I wanted to cry out; instead, my hands stroked his
hair.  I was once again playing temptress.  I would have to make his
kisses stop soon, for fear began to build up over my desire.
     I was teasing him, just like I had teased Frederick.  His kisses
had quickly turned into blows.  His angry hands had torn open my
blouse, raised my skirt --
     "Let me go!"
     "What's wrong?"  John sat up.
     "You promised you wouldn't seduce me!"
     "And you promised you'd put your fear behind you."  He dug
his fingers into the sand.
     "We'll never have anything together like this!"  The waves
washed over my feet.
     "You're right."  He stood beside me.  "We won't 'have
anything together' as long as you keep fighting it."
     I fought my desires because they were wrong.  "My
memories won't go away!"
     "Then you must face them until they no longer bother you." 
He turned me to face him.  "I can't do this alone, Carolyn."
     "I don't know what to do."
     "What makes you think I do?"
     I ran along the shoreline.  He was angry with me, and rightly
so.  I had tortured both of us long enough.  I had no more of a
future with him than I would have had with a man back home.  I was
a fool to think that our leaving Knoxville would make us happy.
     "Carolyn, wait!"  John caught up with me.  "I'm sorry.  I
misunderstood your feelings."
     I took his hands.  "No, you didn't.  And that's the problem. 
When you kissed me at first, it was pleasant.  Then --"
     "Yes, I know."  He hugged me.  "Let's go back inside for a
while."  We returned to the Conveyance, which had assumed the
shape of a clump of tall bushes.

1987
     Paul interrupted my daydream by slamming his car door.  I
followed him into a small building that looked like every other small
building on this street:  A large plate glass front, brick walls, and a
garishly colored sign reading "Techfuture" over the front door. 
After passing through an unoccupied reception hall (furnished with
matching pink chairs and a small metal desk), we entered a room
with long workbenches.  Electronic parts and equipment were
stacked in organized piles.  All the stations were empty except one.
     "No, no, no, you stupid robot!  You are supposed to put it
over there."  Judith shook her fist at a metal framed structure with
two protruding arms.  It had no panel on top, where a tangled mess
of cables were connected.  A desktop computer was connected to
some of the cables.  Other cables were connected to queer machines
stacked next to the computer.  The robot's grippers (the word
"waldo" came to mind) held a soda bottle.
     "Ah-hem!"  Paul strolled up to her work station.  "Did you
know the front door was unlocked?"
     "Jeff ran down to Wendy's for our supper."  She tapped on
the keyboard.  "Whaddayawant?"
     "Teri said Sammy has the robot costumes ready."
     The robot's grippers smashed the bottle.
     "That's the fifth one today."  Judith flipped a switch on the
robot's front panel.  "I've had it up to here with robots right now. 
Besides, we're not doing the lip sync 'till MOC."
     "What is MOC?" I asked.
     "Magnum Opus Con," Paul said.  "Come on, Judy!  Teri and
Sammy want to premier our lip sync at Xanadu."
     "Then do it without me.  The way things are going, I'm not
even going to make it to the con, let alone the damn costume
contest.  And I was looking forward to getting gloriously drunk this
weekend."  She switched off the computer.
     "Such is life, kiddo.  This will make you feel better."  Paul
massaged her shoulders the way John had massaged mine after we
had emerged from the bather.

Time Unknown
     We were both naked.  I wanted to take him into my arms so
badly, I ached.  I knew the second I did, I would see Frederick
again.  There had to be a way to make my pain go away.
     "Please stop doing this to yourself," he said.  "We'll work
everything out."
     We would spend forever trying, but I would never be able to
love him the way I wanted to.  "Is there something you could give
me to...  Help things along?"
     "There are a variety of drugs that will lower your inhibitions. 
But you would hate yourself afterwards.  You might keep taking the
drug until you are unable to face life without it."
     "Surely there must be something. If you can repair a gunshot
wound --"
     "That's not the same thing. Only you can help yourself. All I
can do is try to understand. But it's hard, because your feelings are
so... Alien to me sometimes." With a kiss on my forehead, he added,
"I know you'll get past this."
     His continuing confidence in me was much more than I
deserved.  A good man like him didn't need to be in love with a
wretched woman like me.  I wanted to cry, but not in front of him. 
He had seen enough of my tears.
     "I'd like to be alone for a while."  I walked aimlessly through
the hallway until I reached the storage room.
     To my surprise, the green globe warmed my hand.  Two
queer looking animals stood in front of me.  I couldn't tell by the
expression on their faces whether they were happy or sad together. 
Nonetheless, they belonged together.  Just as I wanted to belong to
John.
     I found the crystal from Lovolus in the dresser.  While I
turned it over in my hands, the words "relieves fears and anxiety"
spoke in my mind.  John had said that drugs would be bad, but he
had said nothing about this.  Could freedom to express my love for
him be as simple as slipping on a ring?  I rubbed its smooth surface,
and it purred like a contented cat. Yes, this was the answer. 
     "With this ring, I thee wed." It snapped easily from its chain,
then slipped more easily onto my finger. For a long time, nothing
happened.
     The idea that a magic ring could take away my pain was pure
foolishness. When I started to pull it off, the ring tightened. I
couldn't move!  Searing pain spread from my hand to my head. 
Confused feelings of loneliness, fear, anger and lust ran in waves
throughout my body.  Before I could cry out, everything plunged
into darkness.