Stargazer
by Karen D. Morton
Copyright 1989 by Karen D. Morton. All rights reserved.

Chapter 6
1987

     I wasn't a raving lunatic, yet too many things pointed to
Paul's cruel conclusion:  My hallucinations and my queer memories. 
I also worried about my ring.  After my failed attempt at cutting it
off, I was afraid to try anything else.  Lately, I had been feeling even
more at odds with myself.  Sometimes, I could almost hear strange
whispers in my head.  Tonight, they thankfully did not come.  When
I finally drifted, I had trouble sleeping.

1895
     John "reprogrammed" the Conveyance so we could visit the
grassy plain. "It looks like a nice day for a picnic," he said.
     "We don't have any food to take out there, do we?"  I
followed him into the room across from his bedroom.  This room
held only two large, door-less cabinets that took up one wall.  It
seemed wasteful to dedicate an entire room to these.  Nothing else
hung on the other walls or laid on the floor.  He stuck his hand into
one of the cabinets, then he pulled out a metallic container.  It was
shaped like a covered basket.
     "Hold this."  He went into the room across from the control
room.  I arrived at the doorway just as he pulled a blanket from a
chest of drawers.  This room looked like an attic filled with unusual
things.  He stopped me from going in.  "You wanted to visit the
grassy plain, remember?"
     I followed him through the triangular entrance hall.  The
field had green and yellow-green short grasses that blew in a gentle
breeze, on a plain that stretched beyond the horizon.  I wondered if
these grasslands continued forever. We walked for a few feet, then
he spread the blanket on the ground.  I looked back for the
Conveyance, but I could see only a small rock.
     "The rock marks the doorway.  There was nothing
inconspicuous the Conveyance could project into this universe, so it
left a marker."
     "You mean that we came out of nothing?"
     He pulled a sandwich from the container.  "Not exactly.  I'm
sure you noticed a discrepancy between your watch and other clocks
after your first visit."
     Yes, that night my watch had said I had been gone for five
hours while the mantle clock in the parlor had said I'd been gone for
only two.  I asked what that had to do with anything.
     "Everything.  The Conveyance sits in the timeless space
between universes. Let me try to explain. Let's say that in Knoxville,
a second lasts for a second.  That is one 'universe.'  You could go
backwards or forwards in time anywhere in that universe, and a
second would always last for a second.  This plain is in another
'universe.'  Here, a second is about half of one of your seconds.  So,
for every second that passes in Knoxville, two pass here.  If we stay
for an hour here, only thirty minutes will pass in Knoxville."
     "It sounds terribly confusing."
     "You'll learn more about it later.  Have a sandwich."
     Cucumber, lettuce and tomatoes lay between slices of brown
bread.  It tasted surprisingly good.  "Where did this come from?"
     "Mass converter. I'll tell you all about it later." He chewed
contentedly. "We could have picnics in places so beautiful, they'll
take your breath away. You can experience cultures and pleasures
beyond your wildest dreams. That is, if you would come with me."
     "Are you serious?"
     "I love you, Carolyn. I'll even go through your 'marriage'
ritual if you want me to." He pulled me down beside him. Before I
could stop him, his lips met mine.
     "Please, let me go."
     "Why are you still afraid of me?"  He propped himself on one
elbow.  "You've told me your darkest secret, haven't you?"
     "Yes, but --"
     "Then it's time to put it behind you."
     "It's not that simple!"
     "Why not?  That's what my people always do."
     "It isn't just -- what happened.  I can't leave my family
without saying goodbye."
     "That's why I suggested we get 'married.'  They won't be
worried if I take my wife on a trip. We can always come back to
visit whenever you like."
     "I can't marry you!  I'd never be able to do my duty!"  My
anger overwhelmed the part of me that wanted to let him hold me. 
Even the softest kiss filled me with fear.  In my mind's eye,
tenderness became violence.  "I see Frederick every time you touch
me."
     "I haven't forgotten about Mr. Quarrels."  A sudden chill
from John's voice crept into my bones.  It didn't matter how much he
said that he didn't blame me.  I was the one who had gotten drunk
and let Frederick talk me into going to his apartment.  If I were truly
virtuous, it would have never happened.  I knew John blamed me,
even if only a little bit.
     His voice returned to its former gentleness.  " But I think
you should forget him.  The only person you're hurting with these
guilty recriminations is yourself."
     I bowed my head.
     "You probably believe that everyone thinks the way people
in Knoxville do."  He tilted my face upward.  "Since your culture
tends to portray women as 'evil temptresses,' you think that you
deserve punishment for being 'bad'."
     I nodded in spite of myself.
     "The basic flaw in your line of reasoning is that everyone
doesn't think the way that you do."  He smiled.  "My people have
put that sort of that nonsense behind us."
     "The Bible isn't nonsense!  It teaches us that --"
     "I've heard more than enough about your religion, thank you. 
Your culture uses rape victims as scapegoats.  Because 'shaming'
women allows men to vent their violent urges.  Tell me, would it
have been all right if Frederick had only beaten you?"
     "Why, no!  I wasn't even his fiancee."
     John raised his eyebrows in surprise.  He frowned in
concentration for a few moments before he said, "I didn't intend for
us to get into a philosophical argument.  So, we'll make a deal.  I
won't seduce you, and you'll try to forgive yourself.  All right?"
     "All right."  I poured cold lemonade from a thick bottle. 
Eliza's recipe tasted far better.
     "I still want to 'marry' you anyway. Maybe someday I'll ask
you to tell me why you view intimacy as a duty, but I don't want to
discuss that right now. Can we try to have a nice afternoon, or
should I just take you home?"
     "I..." With my head bowed, I said, "Please let me stay."
     "Hold your head up, Carolyn. And choose a more pleasant
subject for conversation."
     After we finished eating, we lay side by side on the blanket
to look at the clouds.  He saw a boat, two horses and a kitten.  I saw
a baby's rattle and George Washington's profile.  John's education
about America must have been incomplete because I had to explain
about the Revolutionary War and our first President.
     The whole time we lay together, I held his hand.  His gentle
voice lulled me into the a light sleep.  Although my body didn't want
to move, my mind remained conscious of everything around me.  He
lifted me into his arms; I curled up against him and let sleep take me.
     The day was bright and sunny, and I sat in the dimly lit
sitting room.  Though I wanted to go outside, a masculine shadow
blocked my way.  Another voice asked me to step in the sunlight. 
When I tried to go around the shadow, it smothered me!
     I sat up in John's bed.  My naked reflection made me flush
with embarrassment.  I pulled the blanket around myself.
     "Are you cold?"  He stood in the doorway.
     I shook my head.  "I suppose I'd better be getting home. 
Where are my clothes?"
     "Don't you want to travel with me?"
     "I don't know.  I have to think about it."
     "All right.  But my time here is running out.  You'll have to
let me know before Tuesday."  He pulled my clothes, now clean,
from a metal chiffonnier.  While I dressed, he took his grey suit from
his chair into the bath room.  When we were properly dressed, he
held his arm out to me.  "May I take you home, Miss Cooper?"

1987
     My  dream evaporated like the morning mist.  The harder I
tried to remember, the more my head hurt.  I knew I should feel
afraid, but I had almost no feelings at all.  I couldn't even bring
myself to miss John anymore. Perhaps I needed distraction.  I
immersed myself into the lives of my benefactors.  Teri cared only
about her art show.  She either worked on paintings or went to the
"artists' barn."  Paul sewed costumes.  I offered to help, but he often
shooed me away.  Poor Judith spent most of her waking hours at
work.  She did very little to prepare her costumes, so Paul took on
that task as well.
     My only active role was housewife.  In order to keep
emptiness at bay, I filled my days with petty chores Paul seemed so
fond of.  Dirt could be found in even the cleanest of houses if one
searched small nooks and crannies.  Judith owned a silver bread
basket, silver candlesticks and silver trays that had been crammed
into the back of a cabinet.  I spent most of Thursday making them
gleam again.  Cleaning and repairing the knick-knacks on Judith's
living room shelves took care of Friday.
     When she stumbled in that night, I almost yearned for her to
take me into her arms, to make my loneliness go away.  I wanted her
to tell me everything was all right the way John used to.  Or did he
ever say that?  My lover deserted me in memory as well in fact.  I
cried myself to sleep. For the first time since Wednesday night, I had
a dream.  I stood in the middle of a lush landscape filled with
flowers unlike any I had ever seen before.  Bird calls strange yet
familiar filled the air.  Angular bushes and long grasses lined a
pathway that led...  Home.
     My amber-eyed woman walked the pathway toward me. 
Behind her walked her lover and a blond woman.  They were as
naked as I.  They surrounded me.  I found myself in the middle of a
crowd of people.  Here, I was not alone.  I would never be alone
again.
     I awakened with a start.  Just who were they?  Someone
stirred in the kitchen.  I buried my face in my pillow so that my sobs
wouldn't disturb anyone.
     "Carolyn, are you all right?"  Paul knelt beside the sofa.
     "Just a bad dream," I said.
     "Do you want to tell me about it?"
     I didn't have the words to describe it.
     "Listen.  I've got to take some stuff out to Teri at the artists'
barn and go by the shop.  Would you like to go with me?"
     "No," I said.  "I have some housework to do."
     "Are you sure you'll be all right here by yourself?"
     I nodded.  After he left, I set about my routine chores.  As I
dragged their whining vacuum cleaner across Paul's bedroom carpet,
I wanted to cry, but no tears came.  These chores just weren't
enough to keep my mind from racing.  I wanted John to come back
more than I did my memories of him.
     "I might as well wish for the moon," I told myself. My
thoughts turned to Judith.  She overwhelmed me with more
conflicting emotions than John ever had.  My desire for her was far
more sinful than anything I had ever felt for John.  How could I
want her and still love him?  Did my feelings for her -- and my lack
of memories -- prove his nonexistence?  I shuddered.
     "Yoo hoo!"  Judith knocked on the open door.  "Are you
about finished?"
     "Yes."  Turning off the vacuum cleaner brought blessed
silence to my ears.
     "I took the morning off so we could talk."
     "I would rather not."
     "Too bad. For once, my feelings are getting priority. Look,
Carolyn, I know it makes you uncomfortable, but what happened
between us really meant something to me.  I can't help but hope it
meant something to you, too."
     "There's something I've got to tell you."  I wanted to say
"I'm in love with someone else."  The look on her face made me
reconsider.  There was no reason to let my uncertainty hurt her
feelings.  "I -- I come from somewhere else.  I think."
     "You mean you don't know?"  Before I could answer, she
covered my mouth with her hand.  "Listen.  I don't want you to feel
like you have to tell me anything." 
     I pushed her hand away.  "I don't know how to explain."
     "Then wait until you do."  She held onto my hand.  "And
that goes for 'us,' too.  I don't want to push you into something
you're not ready for."
     A quick pain shot up my arm from the ring.  It spread over
my body into a long pang of loneliness.  My hunger for the
amber-eyed woman became an overwhelming need for Judith.  I
kissed her palm.  She needed no further encouragement.  Her lips
were on mine before I could catch my breath. This time, I saw only
her brown eyes.  The only sounds were our breathing.  And
footsteps.  Paul stood in the doorway.
     "Oh!"  Judith pushed me away.  "Excuse me!"  She ran from
the room.
     "Judith --"  He started toward the door, then he turned to
me.  "Go."
     She lay across her big bed.  "I can really be stupid
sometimes.  Close the door."  She waited until I sat beside her
before she continued.  "You see, Paul doesn't fool around.  Not
because he doesn't want to, but because he has personal problems."
     "He told me about them."
     "He did?"  She sat up.  "Well, I think we should cool it.  The
man has feelings.  It isn't fair to flaunt what he can't do in his face. 
I'll go turn myself into a Popsicle."  After grabbing her robe, she
slammed the door behind her.
     Paul slumped on the living room sofa.  "I guess I spoiled it
for you."
     I wanted so badly to take his worry away.  If I had another
crystal ring, I could slip it onto his finger.
     "We can find inner peace together."  The voice that spoke
belonged to another man.  Paul and I were alone. "Do not be afraid,
Carolyn," the voice said.  "We are a part of you." How could so
many people be "a part" of someone else?  The man speaking those
words had to be the amber-eyed woman's lover.  Why did I
sometimes have his memories when my own had vanished?  Perhaps
everything I remembered was created by an overly active
imagination.  If John was only a daydream, then this voice was a
hallucination.  And I was insane.
     "Carolyn, are you all right?"  Paul asked.
     "Hey, guys, I'm hungry!"  Judith tied her robe.
     Thank you, Judith. I said, "What would you like to fix?"
     "Don't be ridiculous," Paul said.  "Let's grab something.  Is
McDonald's okay, Judy?"  
     "You know I hate McDonald's.  Let's go to Wendy's."
     "A burger is a burger is a burger.  Let's get some bagels."
     I hoped that going with them would keep the man's voice
out of my head.  Sooner or later, I knew he would speak to me
again, and I might have to answer him.  Judith or her roommates
would overhear me, and they would know about my insanity.  I
wondered if I could survive in an asylum.
     While Paul and Judith went inside the Bagelry, I sat in the
car.  As far as I could see, which was up the next hill, signs with
glaring colors lined both sides of Kingston Pike.  Barren and twisted
branches did not have even a single leaf to add a spark of life to this
mechanized city.  A continual stream of automobiles spat smoke into
the chilly November air.  Dingy soot coated buildings, trees, street
and sky.
     I glanced into the parking lot next door in time to see a tall,
handsome man approach.  His dark, wavy hair and grey eyes made
my heart leap.
     "John!"  I tapped on the horn.  Puzzled, he stopped and
stared at me.  I called his name again before I realized that my ring
wasn't blinking.  Wouldn't he have the crystal if he were looking for
me?  The old man who walked with him approached me.
     "Do you know Greistolon?"  He stroked his grey beard while
he spoke.  Pallor betrayed his ill health.
     "Who are you?"
     He stared at me with hollow eyes.  "Call me Nicholas.  You
do know him, don't you?  Wait here."  He walked back to John. 
They spoke, but I couldn't hear their words over the roaring cars on
Kingston Pike.  John gestured toward me.  Shaking his head,
Nicholas said something else.  John walked away.  When Nicholas
returned, he said, "We seem to have a paradox, my dear.  Greistolon
has never met you."
     "That's impossible!  He brought me here in the Conveyance."
     "As I said, we have a paradox."  He held up his hand when I
asked him what that was.  "The explanation would take too long. 
Tell me how you got separated."  I told him about John's
disappearance at Miller's.  He frowned.  "My companion tells me
that the Conveyance must have locked onto his translator and
recalled him."  He paused for a moment before he continued.  "I'm
afraid you'll have to wait here until he returns.  Will you be all
right?"
     "No, I'm not all right!  Please, take me with you."
     Nicholas looked sad.  "I realize it's a hardship, but you can't
come with us.  Don't leave this area.  Greistolon will come back for
you."  He looked past me.  Glancing over my shoulder, I could see
Judith and Paul walk from the Bagelry.
     "I must leave now." He pat my hand.  "I'm truly sorry." 
Before I could reply, the old man walked away.  Only then did I
notice that I had covered the ring with my other hand.